


Angel in Blue

by nicb0723



Category: J2 - Fandom, Jared/Jensen - Fandom, Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-24
Updated: 2012-07-24
Packaged: 2017-11-10 14:38:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 36,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/467422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicb0723/pseuds/nicb0723
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Officer Ackles is a hardened city cop who finds himself in the worst situation, staring down the barrel of a loaded gun. When Jared rescues the officer, Jensen owes Jared his life... or perhaps, it’s the other way around. An AU based on the movie, Angel Eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Angel in Blue

**Angel in Blue**

**by nicb0723**

 

It’s a night like this when Jensen knows something will go wrong. He can feel it in his blood, a tension building ever so slightly until the pressure is almost too much to take. The only thing he can do is ride it out, try to go a little slower and focus before making a move. Sometimes it’ll pass and the night will go smoothly. Other times the end result is anything but good, a drastic finale to a long night strewn with death.

 

Not only can he feel it tonight, he can smell it in the air as well. The rain is cold and coming down in sheets, the night sky is pitch black and if it weren’t for the city lights dotted along the bridge, there’d be no visibility at all. His cap barely keeps the drops of rain shielded from his eyes and his uniform constricts around his limbs as it dampens, but those are the least of his concerns right now. 

 

The radio goes off at his hip, static at first and then his partner’s voice comes through from the other side of the bridge. “Possible DOA’s. We need medics out here.”

 

Jensen’s brain is going full speed ahead as he runs towards the scene, instantly knowing that this is not just a normal traffic accident or a minor fender-bender. It’s a head on collision: 18-wheeler versus car. 18-wheeler wins. The car is smashed beyond recognition but Jensen can make out a body in the driver seat. His squad is one of the first on arrival and paramedics are starting to pull up, sirens blaring in the distance. Jensen calls out for a medic, anyone to help him get to the man who he can now see is clearly struggling to keep conscious.

 

There’s wreckage from the vehicle impact scattered everywhere, effectively blocking Jensen’s path. He shoves and stumbles past what he can, kicks at the jarred door for it to open wider until he can wedge through.  The wet pavement is hard as his knees hit down and Jensen has to regain his balance to reach the man, his cold fingers instantly trying to find a pulse along the stranger’s neck. Jensen’s touch causes him to stir, blood dripping down his temple, and he tries to raise his head.

 

Jensen gets better footing and pushes himself to lean on the bent steering wheel. The guy is alive but for how much longer, Jensen’s not sure. The pulse beneath his fingertips is weak, not far from death.  It’s hard to tell where the blood is coming from because the wounds are hidden somewhere under the man’s short hair. His eyes are slowly opening and closing, a panic frenzy starting to form the more his dizzy gaze connects with Jensen’s.

 

He scrambles to take his jacket off and lay it across the man’s chest, trying to protect him from the cold and rain. “Hey, you with me, man?” Jensen knows there will be no response but he can’t help from asking, keeping hope. He turns his head and shouts loudly towards the ambulance. “This one’s conscious! Hurry up!”

 

He follows the man’s glance to the police and name badge on Jensen's shirt before squeezing his eyes shut again, almost like he’s giving up. “Hey, no, you’re gonna be fine. You hear me? You’re gonna be fine.” Jensen isn’t shocked by how strong his voice is because he’s done this before, not really knowing if he’s telling the truth. It’s his job not to show fear, to try and calm people in what is perhaps their last moment of life. He grabs the man’s hand and grips it reassuringly, leans in further so he can make eye contact. Once he does he starts talking again.

 

“Can you hear me? Can you feel my hand? Squeeze it for me? C’mon man, you can do it. Just stay with me.” Jensen threads their fingers together, blood smearing onto his own skin and he realizes that the chance this man has of living is very low.

 

There are more sirens blaring in the distance and with the rain coming down even harder now, he’s nearly screaming. He can barely hear the sound of his own voice. “Listen to me. Can you hear me? You’re gonna be fine. We’re gonna get you outta here. It’s over and I got you now. You’re safe. Just gotta hold on a little longer. Don’t let go. You hear me? Don’t let me go, man. Hang on. Just hang on. Stay with me, _stay with me_.”

 

Jensen keeps the chant up and can see his breath in the cold air every time he speaks. He prays for a medic to appear faster as he holds the man’s gaze, noticing nothing but fear in his eyes as they stay open for just a few seconds more and finally close yet again, only to stay that way until Jensen is shoved away by a paramedic.

 

Now, Jensen’s isn’t much of a praying man. He doesn’t go to church anymore and he doesn’t talk to the lord, especially not in his head. That’s why it’s odd he finds himself saying a silent prayer for this man, hoping by some miracle that he will survive. It’s the last thought he has about the motionless figure because he’s being called to the other side of the road for help.

 

There are two other bodies surrounding him now. The dread he’d been feeling earlier this evening returns full force and he knows he won’t be praying in hope for anyone else to live.

 

**

 

It’s not that Jensen completely forgets about that night on the bridge and it’s not like something _that_ horrific happens to him every day. Hell, the bridge incident wouldn’t even make it on his top ten stories to tell at a bad party. He sticks to the classics, sometimes grotesque and vulgar if he’s around a bunch of guys and the ladies always like a happy ending, even if it starts out bleak. It’s all part of his work though and eventually everything gets blurred together and for that, he’s grateful. Sometimes it’s easier to move on when the intensity fades a little only for another accident to bring it back with a vengeance.

 

It’s a vicious cycle, but Jensen loves being a cop.

 

He really hates when people ask about it.

 

“So I bet it’s cool, right? You get to be a badass every day? Put the bad guys away?”

 

Devin isn’t a total douche bag or anything, but Jensen was already over this blind date five minutes after it began. Now he has to play along like he’s not irritated, trying to keep a smile that isn’t too fake and reminding himself not to scowl.

 

“Uh. Yeah, you know how it is...” Jensen suppresses the urge to rub at his temples. There’s a tension headache starting to pound around his skull and he grabs for his water to try and drink it away.

 

“I can only imagine.” Devin shrugs and takes another bite of his steak. “I mean, it’s not like I get to carry handcuffs or a gun. Not that I’d mind the handcuffs so much.” He says it with a wink and a smirk twisting at his lips.

 

Jensen almost rolls his eyes and manages a polite nod. “So you’re an accountant, huh? That must be interesting.”

 

Devin doesn’t take the bait for a topic change and keeps going.  “I heard on the news that the gang population is growing. You ever have any run-ins ? How many people do you arrest in a day? Ever have to use your gun?” His eyes grow wide as the next question comes. “Ever killed anyone?”

 

Jensen is officially annoyed and to keep from stabbing himself with a salad fork, he snaps at his date. “You know what? As much as I like discussing death at the dinner table, I really don’t want to talk about this.”

 

“I’m sorry. We can drop it. Really, I was just trying to make conversation.” Devin starts to withdraw but he doesn’t look sorry at all. He looks like he just made up his mind that Jensen is an ass. “We can go back to talking about handcuffs if you want.” And obviously the guy still thinks that he’s getting lucky tonight.

 

Jensen forces a smile and tries to make eye contact with the waiter for the check. He inwardly groans when Devin starts asking about his family. This couldn’t be going much worse.

 

“I got two nieces but I hardly ever get to see ‘em. Real cute though. So do you have any siblings?”

 

“An older brother.” Jensen doesn’t mention how they really don’t talk or bring up his five year old nephew who Jensen completely adores, but because of issues with his brother he doesn’t get to see either of them very often.

 

Devin waits a beat for Jensen to continue but he doesn’t. They sit in silence until the waiter comes with their change and it’s left for a nice tip. The restaurant is busy and Jensen notices plenty of couples out for dinner as he walks through the lobby. He wishes he could have that, not the awkward dating, but the part where he can just be with someone, where it’s comfortable and not lonely, and definitely not complicated.

 

About six months ago Jensen decided to get out of his single rut and has had a date almost each week since then. Jensen doesn’t want the hook ups, he’s over the friends with benefit thing, and the one night stands. No one has made it to a third date though and he convinces himself that he’s not being picky, just that he has shitty luck. He’s also beginning to think that maybe he’s just meant to be alone and that not a lot of guys would put up with his winning personality. Although, _winning_ might not be the choice word to describe him, especially lately.

 

“Well this was fun.” Devin’s smile is a little too wide to be real. “It was nice meeting you.”

 

“Yeah.” Jensen says. “You too. Have a good night.” There’s a little more sincerity in his voice just because he put a probably nice guy through some hell tonight. He hopes that it doesn’t make it back to Traci, who set the whole date up. He can’t seem to care enough to give it much thought and instead focuses on getting home and into bed, hopefully getting an hour or two of sleep before he has to be at work in the morning.

 

**

 

Jensen’s partner, Lucy is a real ball buster. She’s just a few inches shorter than him and goes to the gym almost every day, so it’s not like she can’t take care of herself. It seems as if her confidence doubles as soon as she puts on her police uniform and wraps the gun holster around her waist. She’s rough around the edges but a total softy on the inside and Jensen’s personal life, much to his dismay, is her first priority these days.

 

“So it didn’t go well, huh?” She asks, frowning as she throws her arm over the passenger seat. She turns to back the patrol car out of the department’s parking lot. “Traci’s gonna be bummed. She told me he was a cute, smart and funny guy. Just your type.”

 

 _I don_ _’_ _t have a type_ , Jensen thinks but he doesn’t want to say that. He tries his best to ignore the girls when they get together in the evidence room and talk about who they’ll set him up next. It’s not like he can’t hear what they’re saying. He just pretends he has no idea what’s going on. It’s the easiest way to handle them.

 

“Guess it wasn’t meant to be.” Jensen sighs and adjusts the radio for any incoming calls. He hopes they can stop and get a coffee. He didn’t get much sleep last night, as usual. Jensen glances at his reflection in the side window mirror. There’s tiredness swimming in his green eyes and dark patches underneath, which he knows will go away in a few hours. The weather’s been nicer lately so his skin isn’t as pale and a nice healthy tan is taking way due to his runs in the park. _That_ _’_ _s something_ , he notes to himself. His looks could be worse.

 

He’s lost in his thoughts when dispatch comes through on the radio. “Let’s roll, looks like another fight broke out at the old factory again.” Lucy flips on the siren and speeds up, swerving around cars while Jensen radios in that they’re on their way.

 

It doesn’t take all but ten minutes until they reach the abandoned lot. There’re already three units surrounding the area, breaking up the fight that still seems to be somewhat in progress. Jensen can hear the yelling before he can even open the car door. He and Lucy split up, holding back the first kid they can each get a hold of.

 

Jensen’s backs off immediately, not wanting to get into trouble and joining the crowd that has formed. Of course, Lucy has to go for the biggest and largest kid there is and Jensen immediately goes to help her. This guy isn’t more than eighteen years old, but he’s tall and a wanna-be skinhead with baggy clothes and chains swinging from his neck. He’s resisting Lucy, pushing her away until she knee blocks him, throwing him face first against a fence. Jensen holds him there while she cuffs him, and now the kid gets mouthy, starts to taunt Lucy and show off in front of his friends.

 

“Hey, bitch! Yeah, that’s right baby, feel me up all you want! Ah yeah!”

 

Lucy and Jensen share a glance, but Lucy continues to pat him down for any weapons. She’s gone into professional mode; Jensen can see it in her face. He doesn’t know how she does it, how she doesn’t let anything get to her, especially the crude comments that come with the territory.

 

He steers the kid to the car with a hard grip around his forearm, squeezing as he starts to shout again.

 

“You gonna get in the backseat with me, baby. Ride this all night long? Fuck yeah, bitch.”

 

Jensen slams the kid down on the trunk with force. “That’s enough! Shut your mouth before I shut it for you.”

 

The crowd howls at that and quiets down once the gangbanger is in the car, the group scattering now that the show is over.

 

They check in with the other officers and the scene is secured so they can leave and book the kid in the back of their squad car. Lucy’s face is stone cold as she gets back into the driver seat, but she eventually rolls her eyes as the kid starts up again on the drive to the station.

 

“C’mon baby, come back here with me and let me show you a good time.”

 

Both ignore him as Jensen calls in to dispatch. “10-19 with one male suspect.”

 

“Want you so bad, baby. Wanna feel you. Need to touch you.” The kid exaggerates his moans and Jensen’s fist comes down on the seat.

 

“For the last time,” He growls out as he turns around, eyes narrowed. “I said shut up!”

 

The ride doesn’t take long, which is good because the kid’s been muttering sexual remarks under his breath the whole way. Jensen wonders if he’s over eighteen, hopes that he is so he’ll go to jail and not juvenile hall. This kid needs to fucking grow up. Now.

 

They stop at the counter to complete the booking paperwork with another officer and Lucy starts to fill him in on what happened, no injuries and no personal property on the suspect. The kid needs to go into the holding cell and Jensen tenses as he starts to remove the handcuffs, knowing that this kid hasn’t learned his lesson yet.

 

He makes a lunge to reach his hand between Lucy’s legs, but Jensen was ready for it, twists the kid’s arm backwards and brings his knee up fast to catch the kid’s face. He cries out in surprise and drops to the floor as his nose starts to trickle with blood.  And while Jensen could have done a lot more harm, he knows that it hurt.

 

Two more officers swarm in to get the kid behind bars and Jensen leaves Lucy to deal with paperwork, pissed off that he lost it in there. Lucy darts him a stern glance before he goes.

 

Jensen heaves the thick doors open and breathes in fresh air. He’s overheated and angry at himself. He knows better than to let punks get to him. Lately though, it’s been all he’s dealing with. Street fights, gang fights, bar fights. Breaking them all up night after night. It never bothered him before. He never let any of them get under his skin and he definitely doesn’t know why this is changing.

 

“Ackles! Stay put!”

 

Jensen stops and cringes. The angry sound of his lieutenant’s voice is never a good thing.

 

“What the hell was that in there? You trying to prove something?” Lieutenant Saunders catches up to Jensen in the parking lot and stands in front of him with his arms crossed. “Explain. Right now.”

 

Jensen doesn’t coward down and meets his Lieutenant’s stare straight on. “I just dealt with the situation, sir. That kid was--”

 

“I don’t care what the hell that kid did to you. You hear me?”

 

Jensen looks down at that. He hopes the other incidents won’t be brought up. Minor as they were, it’s still not like him.

 

The lieutenant’s eyes suddenly soften around the edges just slightly. “This is isn’t the first time, Ackles. I need you to understand that. Make some changes. Figure your shit out. You hear me?”

 

“Yes sir.” Jensen can’t do much but nod his head in understanding and walk away. That was the first real ass ripping he’s gotten in awhile. And it sucks, even though he probably deserves more.

 

Lucy passes Saunders on her way out and smiles tightly at him. Jensen leans on their squad car for support and braces himself for yet another rip.

 

She puts her hands on her hips and lets out a slow breath. “You broke his nose.”

 

“He grabbed you. He crossed a line.”

 

“I can handle myself, Jensen. It wouldn’t have been the first time and it won’t be the last. I don’t need you to get yourself in trouble over me.” She studies Jensen and it’s eerie as hell when she does this because she’s always right. It’s what makes her a good officer. “Wanna know what I think? I think you knew he was gonna try something. You were just waitin’ for it, weren’t you? You wanted him to do something. I don’t get it. Usually you can handle shit like that and now it’s like anything can set you off. You’re a cop, Jensen. What the hell has gotten into you?”

 

Jensen scrubs his hands down his face. “Nothing is wrong. If you think I was that outta control then put it in the report.”

 

“Fuck that, Jensen! You know that’s not what I mean.” She circles the car to get in, ready now to move on with their day.

 

Jensen slides in as well, wondering how much more he’ll have to take. “I know, I’m sorry, okay? I don’t know why I’m so on edge lately.”

 

Lucy hesitates as she asks. “The family?”

 

Jensen just shakes his head. That topic is not up for discussion.

 

“Look, why don’t you come over for dinner tonight? There’s a neighborhood party going on and I know Jerry would love to see you. We can talk more, have some barbeque and relax a little.”

 

Jensen raises an eyebrow, not falling for it. “That’s code for I have a gay neighbor I want you to meet. Remember that one time when you dragged me to your sister’s birthday? It was a total set up. No way.”

 

“But –“

 

“Look, you don’t have to keep doing this, okay?” Jensen interrupts. “The fix up thing. It’s just not working. I don’t wanna get all attached again and then the guy just up and walks out ‘cause he can’t handle the cop thing. And the guys who actually like that I’m a cop want me to rehash what happened every night for a freaky fetish fix.”

 

Lucy gives him a side glance and shakes her head. “You have the worst luck.”

 

“Try tellin’ me something I don’t know.”

 

Lucy pulls into Mo’s Diner and parks the car, the local hang out for on and off duty officers. “C’mon. The least I can do is buy you some breakfast.”

 

“And coffee.” Jensen reminds her. “A damn good amount of coffee.”

 

**

 

Jensen kind of loves his days off. Not that he hates his job, but at the same time he’s just human. A little recharge can go a long way, even if he’s technically always on duty.

 

He gets up early after only a few hours of restless sleep and in the shower, he slowly feels himself wake up enough to function. The day is full of chores so he hurries to get his run through the park finished, and stops for coffee and some groceries before it gets crazy on the streets during lunch.  Then a quick stop to pick up his dry cleaning, feeling a little silly carrying his pressed uniforms on a hanger across the street to the post office.

 

When Jensen steps back to let a little old lady exit, he hears his name called in an excited voice.

 

“Jensen! Is that you, honey! Oh it’s been so long...”

 

“Oh hi there, Mrs. Sanchez.” Jensen fails to mention that he saw Mrs. Sanchez in her garden a few weeks ago when he drove around the old neighborhood, checking up on his parent’s house but not stopping or going in.

 

She smiles at Jensen, her eyes studying him, a careful mask of concern breaking through and it reminds him of his mom. “How is everything? Staying safe I hope.” She says, eyeing the uniforms in his hand.

 

“Of course. How is Mr. Sanchez doing?”

 

“He’s driving me crazy with all the projects around the house. You should really stop by sometime soon. I know your parents… well, it’d be nice to see you is all.”

 

Jensen gives a small nod, hates that his family drama is so obvious and plastered around for the whole world to see. It’s embarrassing.

 

“I guess I should be going,” She starts to bustle along and adjusts the large shopping bag in her hands. “I’ll leave you handsome devil to your day.”

 

“Yes ma’am.” Jensen grins shyly at that, catches his reflection in the window and isn’t too ashamed at what he sees; hair spiked up a little, simple white t-shirt fit nicely across his shoulders and down chest, jeans just a little tight but still worn in and comfortable. He doesn’t even notice the holster around his ankle anymore, the small pistol resting along his leg and hidden by his pants.

 

Mrs. Sanchez winks and starts down the sidewalk, then turns when she remembers something. “Wait, I guess that I'll see you at the church in a few weeks, won’t I?”

 

Jensen has no idea what she’s talking about. “I’m sorry?”

 

“I’m sure you remember where it is, Jensen. You were there every Sunday as a child. Did you know that’s where me and Mr. Sanchez renewed our vows? I think your mama said you were working that day, otherwise I’m sure you would’ve been there. I wore a green dress and we had carrot cake after. But anyway, it should be a nice ceremony. I think that’s where your mama got the idea, being there at our vows. Mr. Sanchez looked so handsome that day. He wore a green tie to match my dress.”

 

“Wait, mom and dad are renewing their vows?” Jensen asks, trying to follow Mrs. Sanchez’s ramble.

 

“Yes. The invitation was just lovely don’t you think? I almost started to cry when I read it.”

 

Jensen swallows thickly and doesn’t know what to say because no, he didn’t get an invitation.

 

“Oh dear.” Mrs. Sanchez’s face falls and begins to stammer. “I just got it a few days ago so I’m sure…”

 

“The mail in my building hasn’t been great, some problems n’all.” Jensen clears his throat and forces another smile.

 

Mrs. Sanchez does too, except sadness is creeping into her eyes and Jensen feels awful that he’s becoming transparent.

 

“I guess I’ll be seeing you.” Jensen says, the smile dropping into a frown as soon as he turns around, an old wound split open again and written all over his face. He can feel Mrs. Sanchez’s worried gaze on his back and hears her call out the same.

 

Jensen completely forgets about the stamps he needed to buy and only realizes it once he’s already home.

 

**

 

The next work day is thankfully uneventful. Lucy pulls a few speed demons over and lets them go with a warning. She’s in a good mood and is talking Jensen’s ear off about her husband’s latest business venture and he’s only half listening when they drive by a new development in the area. Lucy notices the big sign that reads “Ackles’ Construction” at the same time Jensen does and pulls around slowly.

 

“You wanna say hi? I can wait in the car.”

 

Jensen glances her way, a silent thank you and tells her that he’ll be right back.

 

The pebbles are loud under his shoes as Jensen makes his way over to the site. It looks like a restaurant in the making and he searches for a tall figure, knowing his brother will be in the center of it all with a drafting pencil behind his ear.

 

He spots Josh quickly, dressed in his regular gear with an orange safety vest and hard hat on his head. Josh doesn’t look too happy to see him and the feeling is mutual, but at least Jensen is trying even if his best effort is still strained.

 

Josh’s voice is clipped and the eye contact he does make is wary. “Hey.”

 

“Hey. How’s it going?”

 

“Fine. You?”

 

“Doing okay.” Jensen answers. “I didn’t see the blue truck so…”

 

“Dad’s not here.”

 

Jensen nods and looks around. “It’s coming along. Looks good in here. I like the stained glass window. Dad’s signature, right?”

 

Josh shrugs and turns to give an answer to a carpenter who has a question about the flooring plan.

 

“How’s Rachel and Josh Jr.? He on the peewee team yet?”

 

“Little Leaguers.”

 

“Really?” Jensen breaks out in a real smile. “Just like I was.”

 

Josh finally cracks a small grin. “Yeah. Plays just as bad as you did too.”

 

“Hey I got better, didn’t I? Just needed some practice.”

 

“I guess so.” Josh cocks his head a little, obviously done with the awkward chit chat.

 

Jensen takes a deep breath, runs his hand along the smooth surface of the new maple wood bar that’s been installed. “So I ran into Mrs. Sanchez the other day. She told me about the vow thing.”

 

Josh fiddles with the clipboard in his hand and looks away.

 

“Was anyone going to tell me? Am I even invited to go?”

 

“Do you even want to go?”

 

Jensen crosses his arms over his chest the best he can with his bulletproof vest under his uniform shirt. “It’s been over ten years. He’s still my family. I can at least come to the ceremony or something.”

 

“Look, we’re working on dad. Mom wants you there. He just hasn’t said anything yet.”

 

“So you asked him if I could be there?”

 

“Mom did, yeah.”

 

“He still won’t let it go, will he?”

 

“I don’t know, Jensen. You guys were always going at it.”

 

“For a good reason, though. Right?” Jensen stares hard at his brother.

 

Josh shakes his head, but it doesn’t look like an answer. “Let’s just leave it.”

 

Jensen gives a pissed off laugh, can’t help it. “You’re still scared of him.”

 

The clipboard Josh has been holding slams down on the bar. He closes his eye before giving Jensen a hard look. “Maybe you shouldn’t be here in your uniform. People will think we’re a shady business if they see you.”

 

There’s nothing more to say so Jensen turns to go, pausing briefly before leaving the building, trying desperately to think of something to say that might make it right between him and his brother.

 

His mind is blank as he closes the door behind him.

 

**

 

Jensen is starving. It’s cold and cloudy, chilly and pretty much all around shitty weather. He could really go for a hamburger, knew he and Lucy should have stopped when they had a chance an hour ago but oh no, Lucy had to go back to the station for something and now they’re running late for lunch.

 

Of course, now a call comes in for an alarm going off at a jewelry store. The place is right around the corner and Jensen responds that they’ll check it out.

 

Lucy pulls up to the store slowly and Jensen’s eyes immediately go to the window, trying to make out if there are any shadows moving around inside the shop.  He can’t see anything though and wonders if the alarm trip was by accident. It wouldn’t be the first time an employee accidentally brushed up against the red button hidden under the counter. He gets out of the car and puts his hand on the gun settled right at his side, ready to pull it out of the holster if necessary.

 

There are open shopping stores on the other side of the street, pedestrians out walking and minding their own business, not really paying attention to what’s going on. Jensen lets his gaze sweep over the innocent people, noting moms with baby strollers and couples holding hands. This is why he does his job, to keep these people safe.

 

A window breaks in the distance and with that distinct shattering sound; Jensen instantly knows this is no mistake and that a real robbery is happening. He immediately draws his gun, glances at Lucy and they both run around the building to the backside of an alley way. There’s glass on the ground and it crunches under Jensen’s weight until he stops, looking for which way the perpetrator went.

 

Graffiti art is all over the walls and there’re weeds and garbage littered everywhere. It’s a long narrow path between buildings and it’s totally silent, not another person in sight. Lucy must hear something because she jogs past the next few shops, looking in doorways or any place where their view is obstructed.

 

Jensen stays put, looks the other way down the alley just in time to watch a foot slide over a gated fence and disappear. He yells for Lucy and begins to run full speed ahead, sliding his gun back into its case because now he has to climb a fence, which he does in record time, grabbing the top and flinging his body over. Once he reaches the other side he spots two men start to make a run for it again.

 

“Freeze right there!”

 

The command has absolutely no affect and they split up. Jensen quickly catches up to one of them, tackles and takes him to the ground. He’ll feel the hard fall on his kneecaps tomorrow but it doesn’t slow him down as he takes out his handcuffs and slaps them on the robber’s wrist. Lucy has caught up to them and leans her knee in the perp’s back, taking control as Jensen gets up and starts to take off for the other guy.

 

“Jensen, be careful!”

 

“I see him!”

 

There’s another fence and Jensen quickly hurdles over that one too. He runs as he speaks into his radio clipped onto his shoulder. “10-78, on foot pursuit. Back alley across Explorer Road.” He dodges around a fallen garbage can, jumps over a broken down shopping cart and presses at his mic again. “Suspect in a white shirt and blue jeans. No visible weapons.”

 

As Jensen gains up on him, he can see that the guy is a lot younger than he thought. A lot younger and Jensen’s in great shape, but he’s no teenager who can speed up at any given second, which is exactly what this one does. He turns a corner so fast that he disappears within seconds.

 

Jensen slows down instantaneously, sucking in air through his tired lungs and draws his gun. There’re plenty of places where this kid could be hiding and Jensen knows he’s in a vulnerable spot right now. He shifts himself towards a wall so his back is covered and steps forward quietly. He turns another corner with his gun held in front of him, but its all clear. He goes back the way he came, eyes wide open and he tries to listen for any sound, zone in on anything that might give him a clue to where this kid is right now.

 

Jensen should have seen him coming, but is on the ground before he can get his footing under him, the hard push on his right shoulder making him stumble. His gun skids out, slides across the concrete and he curses before he’s turned over and is faced with the barrel of a different gun now, held just a few inches from the tip of his nose. The kid’s body isn’t heavy, but the gun is held in a steady hand.

 

“Fucking pigs. Fucking _assholes_.”

 

The hate in the kid’s voice is something else. It makes Jensen’s gut drop out and he says a silent plea because this is over. If he moves and tries to get away, the kid will shoot. If he stays put and doesn’t put up a fight, the kid will shoot. Jensen’s heard hate like that before and it always ends up with an officer down.

 

Dark eyes fall on his name badge and the kid spits out “Ackles” with revulsion, the disgust going even deeper. “You put away my brother. Broke his nose.”

 

The click of the safety being flipped off rings in Jensen’s ears. He braces himself and calmly closes his eyes. He’ll die at the hands of a gang member. He didn’t think it would end like this.

 

“This is for Jacob, you piece of shit.”

 

Jensen remembers that he’s not some pussy. If he really is going to die, this is not the way it will go down so he shoves up as hard as he possibly can. The kid flies off of him and the sound of the gun going off makes Jensen stop. The sudden pressure at his chest is so intense that it makes him drop back to the ground. The shock is what gets to him, that he was shot and the bullet hit him square in the heart.

 

Son of a bitch.

 

It’s a good thing he put his bullet proof vest on tight today. The kid is now lying on his ass and pushes himself up, doesn’t quite understand why Jensen isn’t dead and aims the gun again, this time for his face. Jensen lunges for his fallen gun when he sees a tall figure swoop in behind the kid and kick the pistol out of his hand. They both go sprawling and Jensen is confused. Where the hell did this guy come from?

 

He grabs his gun and tackles the kid, forcing his hands behind his back. The man who saved Jensen gets up and watches, steps back even more when Lucy comes running down the alley.

 

“Jensen? What the hell, I heard a gunshot!” Then she notices the tall stranger and points her gun at him. “Freeze! Put your hands up! Now!”

 

“No, he’s good!” Jensen screams. “He’s good!”

 

Lucy lowers her pistol and helps Jensen. She notices the bullet hole through his uniform shirt and puts a hand on his shoulder. “You hurt?”

 

Jensen can only shake his head. Now that the situation is under control he needs to walk it off. He can hear the sirens coming closer and other officers approaching.

 

Fuck. That was close. It hasn’t been that close in a really long time.

 

Jensen glances at the stranger, wonders who the hell he is, knows in his mind that he should go and thank him. For some reason, Jensen can’t muster up the energy and takes down the empty alley before anyone can ask him for a report. Lucy knows he needs a minute to himself and will stop anyone that tries to follow, at least for a few minutes. He just needs to gather his head, put together his thoughts and rerun what happened. Shit. Did he royally fuck up?

 

Probably. He could have stayed with Lucy and let the kid get away. He could’ve not dropped his gun when he got pushed from behind, or maybe not let some fucking kid sneak up on him in the first place.

 

“You’re beating yourself up in there, aren’t you?” Jensen closes his eyes at the sound of Lucy’s voice. She’s got him so pegged. “The medic’s need to check you over.”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“Maybe.” She says. “But how about you just do what I ask for once in your life, hmm? C’mon. The lieutenant isn’t even mad. Just worried about you.”

 

By the time Jensen walks back to the scene, everyone has pretty much scattered. The tall guy isn’t around anymore and Jensen’s a little calmed at that, glad that he doesn’t have to confront him and admit that he was _rescued_ and what a total fuck up he is.

 

“Just give the lieutenant a report and we can go back to the station, get some paperwork done.” Lucy tells him as Jensen sits in the back of the ambulance while a paramedic takes his vitals. “You know the drill, Rib House tonight before home.”

 

Jensen just nods. He does know the drill, though it never occurred to him that he’d be the cause of everyone getting together tonight. Last time the unit had a close call was when Martinez got sideswiped by a cab and walked away with nothing but a sprained ankle. That was a few months ago. They haven’t been to the Rib House in a long time.

 

He broke a good streak today.

 

**

 

The Rib House is a hole in the wall joint. The food is awesome and the beer is always chilled, and while Jensen hates the reasons why they all gather here, at the end of the day everything seems right again.

 

The guys are recapping today's events on the other side of the bar, Perez and Torres joking loudly and Jenkins passing around a picture of the new K-9 he’ll be getting next week. Lucy isn’t eating and her beer is already halfway gone. Jensen knows she wants to get home to her husband, but wants to make sure he’s okay first.

 

“So Ackles, you recover from this afternoon?” Perez asks, sliding a new beer in front of him. Jensen’s always liked Perez, the guy has a funny sense of humor and isn’t afraid to take digs.

 

Jensen nods even though he feels sore all over. “Doin’ okay for now. Coulda been worse.”

 

“Yeah no shit.” Perez says, looking around. “We told Jared to come by tonight so you could buy him a thank you beer.”

 

Jensen darts a glance to Lucy and she just shrugs.

 

“You invited him here? The tall guy?”

 

“Yeah man, he saved your pretty ass. It’s the least you could do. I can’t believe your luck sometimes.” Perez takes a long sip of beer and starts in on his ribs. “I mean, the guy is coming home from the grocery store at the perfect time and sees the whole thing. Your own knight’n shining armor, ‘ey Ackles?” He gives Jensen a wink.

 

“That’s the cutest love story if I ever heard one.” Torres starts joining in and Jenkins laughs along.

 

Jensen groans and stands up. This day has been one long embarrassing hell.

 

Lucy elbows Torres in the gut and looks up with concern in her eyes. “Where are you going?”

 

“The head. Is that allowed?”

 

“Push hard, Ackles.”

 

Jensen rolls his eyes and makes his way to the back of the restaurant. He glances around the bar quickly and doesn’t see the stranger who saved him today – Jared and although Jensen does feel a little bad that he never thanked the guy or even got to talk to him, he’s still a little relieved.  Luckily, there’s no one else in the bathroom and instead of using the toilet, Jensen makes his way over to the mirror. He slowly unbuttons the top of his flannel shirt, spreading the material to take a look at his chest.

 

There’s a blooming bruise spreading across his sternum, right where the bullet hit the vest. It hurts, the color already a dark purple and blue. It’s ugly and aching, but at the same time, he’s so thankful that he has a stupid bruise rather than blood from a bullet wound. He’d probably be dead.

 

The bathroom door opens and Jensen quickly buttons up. He nods to the older gentleman who gives him an odd look as Jensen leaves. The lights are dimmer now in the restaurant and the overhead music softer. Jensen makes his way back to his friends when he spots Jared sitting at a table by himself. His back is turned and Jensen knows this is his chance, even if he’s a little ashamed.

 

“Hi.”

 

Jared whips around, surprised at the sound and smiles timidly as he looks up at Jensen.

 

“Jared, right? I’m Jensen. Nice to meet you.” He reaches over the table for Jared’s hand and as their fingers touch Jensen instantly knows why he was hesitant to meet this man face to face. He’s absolutely gorgeous. Sharp, dark features make him intriguing, along with his eyes, the color of which Jensen can’t make out because they seem to be a swirl of blues and gold. He has long brown hair, bangs shoved behind his ears and a beard forming across his strong jaw line. He’s wearing a flannel shirt too, much like the one Jensen has on, but with different colors and pattern.

 

“The pleasure is mine.” Jared says, eyes sparkling and voice deep. His fingertips brush the pad of Jensen’s palm as he pulls away.

 

Nerves are buzzing in the pit of Jensen’s stomach and he feels silly with it, out of his element to be attracted to a man so quickly. Everything about Jared is overloading Jensen’s brain as he takes in Jared’s face, the way his small smile shows a glimpse of perfectly even white teeth, a shadow of dimples low in his cheeks. The instantaneous allure that Jensen feels is making him nervous, his mouth becoming dry and chest tight with anxiousness. He quickly pulls himself together, attempts to not look like a babbling idiot, hoping that Jared doesn’t figure out the affect he has on him.

 

“So why are you sitting over here? I’m sure my partner and the guys would love the chance to ridicule me in front of you.”

 

Jared shrugs and gestures to the empty chair across from him. “You could say I’m a bit antisocial. Would you like…”

 

The invitation is obvious and Jensen steals a glance to the bar. Lucy gives him a thumb up and the other guys are horsing around too much to care.

 

Jensen sits down, watches as Jared visibly relaxes a little. “I never got a chance to thank you.”

 

Jared doesn’t say anything, but the corners of his mouth are curved upward in a polite smile. He’s looking at Jensen as if he’s studying him, like he can’t believe Jensen is right there.

 

Jensen looks closely too. He swears there’s something about Jared he’s seen before, but he has no idea how that would be possible. Before he can stop himself, he blurts out, “You look familiar.”

 

“I must live on the beat that you patrol. It’s usually a quiet neighborhood. I’m sorry that happened to you.”

 

Jensen tilts his head. His nerves are still spiking, getting the better of him, and he decides to get control of his emotions. The best way to do that is to shift into officer mode. “Why would you do that? Tackle a guy with a gun?”

 

Jared opens his mouth only to close it again. He thinks before he speaks, shaking his head a little as if he can’t understand why Jensen would ask him this. “He was going to shoot you.”

 

“Yeah, but he could’ve shot you.” Jensen points out. “You some kinda daredevil or something? Or maybe you just have a death wish.”

 

“No. I didn’t have time to think about it. I just reacted.”

 

Jensen narrows his eyes. “So what are your thoughts about it now?” He’s seen people do this before, try to save someone and get in the way of danger. Usually a few hours later they have panic attacks about what could have happened.

 

Jared leans forward in his chair, brushes his bangs out of his eyes and keeps steady eye contact. “I think… it was definitely worth the risk.”

 

Jensen doesn’t know if he can trust his voice, but he manages, “You don’t even know me.”

 

“Well now I do, don’t I?” Jared says, pleased with himself. “And I didn’t do what I did just on instinct. It’s about what you do. Cops have it tough out there, keeping everyone safe, you know? I think it’s awesome you do that every day. Firemen always get the hero rep, but cops should too. Have you ever thought about the people you’ve saved in this town? That there’re people walking around safe because of you?”

 

This is… not at all the conversation Jensen was expecting. “I guess I never really thought about it that way.” He says, even though he has. He’s just never heard anyone else say it to him. Usually everyone is all about the bad stuff, not thinking about the fact that Jensen actually saves people.

 

“Or that you helped them or arrested someone off the streets who could have hurt somebody else? Because you’re doing your job.” Jared ends his little rant and blushes warmly. His eyes are still serious though and it's obvious that he feels strongly about his opinion.

 

“Well now I’m still here because of you.” Jensen says, sitting up in his chair and putting his elbows on the table. “Did you stop and think about that? Maybe you’re the one who should be a cop.”

 

Jared looks up with his eyes. “With this forehead? I don’t really look good in hats.”

 

Jensen breaks out into a smile. He wants to tell Jared that his face is really cute, forehead included.

 

“Anyway...” Jared leans back again. “I feel like I’m talking too much. Am I? I think so.”

 

Jensen takes that as a go ahead. “Okay. So do you work around here? What exactly do you do?” He stops and cringes at the questions. “Sorry, it sounds like I’m interrogating you.”

 

“No harm done.” Jared shifts again in his chair, almost as if he’s uncomfortable. Maybe he’s just as bruised as Jensen is from this afternoon and at the thought, Jensen wants to sooth any soreness Jared might have. “Where do you want to be in ten years?”

 

“What?”

 

“It’s a trick I learned awhile back. We can skip all of this… whatever. And I can ask you what you’re doing tomorrow and what you’ll be doing in ten years from now. It’s supposed to be a shortcut, or at least get things started.”

 

“Ah.” Jensen wonders how many times Jared has used this to pick someone up. “And does this work for you?”

 

“You tell me. I’ve never tried it before.”

 

“Bullshit.”

 

“I’m serious. I just thought about it right now. Seemed appropriate.”

 

Jensen smirks. “I hope you’re telling the truth. With all the cops in this place, they could sniff out a fibber like a barbeque covered milk bone.”

 

A slow grin spreads at Jared’s mouth, wide and open and it’s fucking charming. Jensen finds himself flustered at the thought that he could get very addicted to it.

 

“You have a nice smile.” He says, a bit self conscious as it comes out. He feels vulnerable for the first time in a long while, at least like this. Then again, it’s a little like having a gun pointed to his chest all over again, just waiting for the trigger to be pulled and for Jared to walk away.

 

Jared seems pleasantly surprised that Jensen would give him such an open compliment and now he smiles shyly, fingertips brushing over his own lips as Jensen tracks the movement from across the table.

 

A waitress stops by and drops off two beers. She points over to the bar when Jensen looks up, questioning because he didn’t order this. Lucy is gone now and Jensen glances at his watch. It’s later than he thought it was. The guys are just short of hooting and hollering, but their smiles are genuine and teasing. Jensen tips the beer towards them and turns back to Jared.

 

“So… where were we? Oh yeah, you were trying to use a line on me.”

 

Jared doesn’t correct Jensen, doesn’t say it wasn’t a line. “About the shortcut.”

 

“Right.” Jensen picks up his bottle and reaches to clink the neck of it with Jared’s. “Okay, I’ll go along. I’ve got the night shift the day after next, which means I have to get stuff done tomorrow. Usual stuff like getting groceries and going to the laundry mat. If it’s sunny out, I’ll go for a hike in the morning and if it’s foggy I’ll go to the gym. Ten years from now? I want to be living in the mountains somewhere.”

 

“Oh yeah?” Jared’s eyebrows go up in surprise. “Like Tibet?”

 

“Maybe. Or somewhere like Colorado. What about you?”

 

Perez chooses that moment to walk up to the table and sets down two full shot glasses. “Hey, Ackles. Quit hoggin’ Jared and let him come sit with us. We’ll buy you some dinner and give you a medal for saving Ackles’ ass.”

 

Jensen grabs the shot and drains it, standing up afterwards and pushing in his chair. He doesn’t want to share Jared with the guys yet and they’ll only be a distraction if they stay. “Actually, I’m gonna head out. One helluva day, ya know?”

 

Jared leaves the shot and gets up as well. “I’ll walk out with you.” He gives a polite nod to Perez. “Thank you for the drink.”

 

Perez slaps Jared on the shoulder and offers to shake his hand. “Hey man, it’s the least we could do. We may not like him too much, but we can’t lose him either.”

 

Smiling at the joke, Jared takes Perez’s hand and says goodbye, telling him to take care. Jensen waves and makes his way to the front door, breathing in deep once the cold air hits his face.

 

Jensen has his jeep parked down a little ways from the restaurant. It’s quiet on the street without too many people walking around at this hour. Jensen pulls on his jacket when the chill breezes past the bare skin on his arms. It must’ve rained while they were indoors because Jared does the same thing, sliding on a thick dark navy pea coat that falls to the middle of his thighs.

 

Jared is right by his side as they walk and for the first time, Jensen can really tell just exactly how tall he is, which is give or take two or three inches taller than him. It does weird things to Jensen, having to look up when Jared casually bumps him on the shoulder, a warm settling feeling overcoming his anxiety just a little as they touch.

 

He leans against the jeep door once they reach it, the slight nervousness creeping back, his throat suddenly dry and palms sweaty. “So maybe I should walk you to your car. This isn’t the greatest of neighborhoods. You parked around here too?” Now this? This is a total line because the neighborhood that they're in right now has a really low crime rate.

 

“No.” Jared shakes his head, slants his body next to Jensen’s. “I don’t have a car.”

 

“Oh.”

 

 _God, real smooth_ , Jensen thinks to himself. It’s just so easy being a dick to the guys he gets set up with, stupid dates that don’t mean a thing. He hasn’t really liked anyone in a long time. Until now. And it’s like Jared seems to know this, waits for him to make the next move, completely patient and easy going.

 

“You want a ride home then?”

 

“I like to walk.” It sounds like a no, but the way Jared is looking at him, with dark compelling eyes, he might as well have just said yes.

 

Jensen peers up at the overcast sky and the mist in the air. “It’ll probably start raining soon.”

 

Biting his bottom lip, Jared looks down and hesitates. Finally he gives a small nod, “Yeah okay. If it’s no trouble.”

 

The uncertainty makes Jensen think that he’s reading signals wrong. He had thought Jared was flirting with him. Maybe it was only wishful thinking. He fumbles with his keys as he goes around to the driver side, unlocks both doors and slides in as Jared does too.

 

“Um… are you okay to drive?”

 

A flush warms Jensen’s face and he wonders if this could get more awkward. He tries not to come off as defensive when he speaks. “You think I’m drunk? I’m not. I’m good. You’ll know when I’m drunk when I’m pissing in the gutter. And I never piss in the gutter. Public urination is a misdemeanor, d’you know that?”

 

“Very interesting.”  Jared still looks like he doesn’t trust Jensen. His hand is gripping the seatbelt across his chest so hard that his knuckles are turning white.

 

“Don’t worry, I’m fine.”

 

He snorts, looking at Jensen square in the eyes. “I only worry when people tell me not to.”

 

Jensen doesn’t know what to say to that, so he ignores it. The engine rolls over as it starts and he pulls out on the main road. “So, ten years from now… where do you want to be?”

 

“I don’t know…” Jared has a teasing tone now, but he’s moved his death grip to the armrest. “This is actually pretty nice.”

 

“You sure about that?” Jensen asks, looking at Jared’s fingers. He kind of wants to do something drastic, like hold Jared’s hand or something to comfort him.

 

“It’s starting to rain.”

 

“Just like I said.”

 

“The roads are wet.”

 

“Ah.” _A nervous driver_ , Jensen figures out. “Don’t tell me you’re one of those people who drive like a grandma when it rains.”

 

“I don’t drive.”

 

Jensen speeds up a little, noticing more apprehension practically radiating from Jared. “I’m a good driver, I promise.”

 

Jared nods, forcing himself to relax and keeping his eyes on Jensen, which seems to do the trick. “I live on St. Paul street.”

 

“I know.”

 

Jensen smiles at the questioning glance in Jared’s eyes. “It’s right around where the shooting happened.”

 

“Oh right.” Jared says softly, a few seconds tick by and then, “You know what? I can picture you living in the mountains. I can picture it really well.”

 

“Yeah? What am I doing there? Fishing?”

 

“Hmm… I don’t know. I see you driving around, talking to some handsome guy.” Jared has a gentle smile and playfully winks. “How random.” It sounds like flirting again and it makes Jensen’s belly flop.

 

He tries his best to flirt back. “I wonder who that could be.”

 

“Time can only tell.” Jared looks out the passenger side window as they come to a stop at an apartment building. “This isn’t where I live.”

 

Jensen sits back and takes a deep breath, not knowing what the hell he is doing. “I know. This is where I live.”

 

Jared swallows thickly and doesn’t say anything. It’s practically silent between them, the night going on and time moving forward outside. The air is very still, like something important is about to happen.

 

“Those guys back there… and my partner. She’s always worrying about me.”

 

Jared turns in his seat and lets his head rest on the back of it. His fingers are pushing against Jensen’s jacket, playing with the armrest now instead of holding on to it. “Is there a reason to be worried?”

 

“No. I mean, we’re friends. Well, we’re kinda friends. We bullshit around and make jokes but I could never tell them –“

 

Shit. He’s talking too much.

 

“Tell them what?”

 

“Nothing. Just thinking stupid stuff.”

 

Jared doesn’t press, just sits there in the silence, which is probably the reason Jensen starts talking again.

 

“It’s just that… I close my eyes and I see that gun, you know? Pointing right at me. I keep seeing it over and over again. Like it’s tattooed on my brain. And fuck, man. I don’t know why I’m telling you this.” Jensen shakes his head a little, almost not really liking that he’s letting his guard down for once. “Maybe because you were right there and saw it happen. Maybe because you were in as much danger as I was. Maybe because I have three drinks in me.” He stops and lets out a small sigh. "I’ve had a gun pointed at me before, just not that close. Never that fucking close. And all I know is that I’m done driving for tonight, I’m not ready to close my eyes, and I don’t want you to go.” Keeping his gaze straight ahead, on the dark road through the windshield, he can feel Jared’s calculating eyes on him.

 

After a few minutes of stillness Jared breaks it. “So… what do you want?”

 

“What I want…” And now Jensen feels enough courage to look at him again. A cold sweat breaks as he says what he’s been thinking about for the past few hours and a drop drips down his spine like deadly fear. “I want to know how you were walking home from the grocery store that exact minute. How you chose that side of the street to walk on. How you heard the first gunshot and still came to help. I want to know what would’ve happened to me if you hadn’t been there today.”

 

Jared has a thoughtful expression and for a second, Jensen thinks he’s going to reach out and take his hand. Instead he answers slowly with a strong certainty in his voice. “I don’t know. I think maybe we were meant to meet.”

 

That really isn’t the answer that Jensen was expecting or hoping for. He wanted something concrete, something real to go by, something that wasn’t just random luck that saved his life. They stare at each other while this is going through his head, Jensen knowing he probably has a confused scowl on his face while Jared looks totally at peace with himself.

 

If the calmness coming off of Jared wasn’t exactly what Jensen needed right now, he would be surprised by what he blurts out next. “You wanna come up?”

 

“Yes.” Jared’s response is almost immediate. He gets out of the jeep quickly and waits for Jensen to join him as they walk through the parking lot and up the path to his apartment. It’s still drizzling so they move quickly, Jensen pulling his keys out of his jacket pocket.

 

It’s a little messy inside, but nothing completely embarrassing. Jensen goes right to the kitchen for another drink; he needs a scotch so bad he can already taste it.

 

“Want anything?”

 

“No thanks.”

 

Jared wanders into the living room while Jensen pours his drink. Now that he’s here, Jensen doesn’t know what to do with him and the last thing he wants is to make a total ass of himself. He goes to sit on the couch and watches as Jared starts to poke through his stuff.

 

“You can sit down.”

 

Jared doesn’t stop shuffling through a stack of car magazines, then moves on to browse the dvd collection by the television. “I’m circling for awhile.”

 

It makes Jensen uneasy. Jared’s still practically a stranger and now he’s looking around at the clutter of Jensen’s life thrown around his small apartment, the details, the important stuff, and the intimate pieces of this massive mess that makes up everything that represents Jensen.

 

“I didn’t get a chance to clean up.” Jensen takes a sip of scotch and puts his feet up on the coffee table hoping to give off the vibe that he’s relaxed, when that might not be the complete truth. “You’re not supposed to look around.”

 

“That’s okay, it’s more real this way.”

 

“It’s rude.” Jensen doesn’t mean to snap. It just comes out that way.

 

If Jared’s hurt or surprised at Jensen’s reaction, it doesn’t show. He has a small smile on his face though, his eyes not telling anything except that maybe he was expecting Jensen to act this way. “Now that I’m here, you seem mad about it.”

 

“I’m not mad. I just don’t usually let people up here.  And well, you’re here so that’s contradicting everything I’m used to and…” Jensen rubs his face up and down. This isn’t going how he planned; expect that he really didn’t have a plan in the first place. He usually always has a plan. He needs to get his shit together and force a friendly smile so he doesn’t come off like the asshole he probably sounds like. “Sorry, now I’m being weird. Let’s just talk about something stupid.”

 

“Go for it.”

 

“Okay fine. You know what’s stupid? All that _meant to_ shit. We were _meant to_ meet. Sounds like crap to me, like some shit you’d hear on an after school special. You really believe in that stuff?”

 

Jared shrugs, stands in the middle of the room, still looking around and he breathes in deep. “You know what’s really weird? There’re scientists that say we all give off an odor that can only be detected by one other person. Something in our brain can sense it.”

 

Jensen smiles in spite of himself. He finds Jared’s change in subjects endearing instead of annoying, which is strange. “What? Like we’re all animals? Is that even true?”

 

“I have no idea.” Jared matches Jensen’s grin. “And yeah, I do believe in that stuff. Specifically I believe in fate. Or that people meet in another life. What do you think? Do you believe that when we die, we come back as something else?”

 

“What, like when I die I’ll come back as a duck or something? Nah. Dead is dead, man. Trust me, I’ve been thinking about it all day – I don’t want to think about it anymore.”

 

Jared finally stops looking around only to walk over to where Jensen is sitting. He stands so close that Jensen has to tilt his head back to look up at him. Jared takes the drink out of Jensen’s hand; long fingers wrapped around the small glass as he slowly puts it to his lips and drinks it all down in one go. It’s empty when he puts it on the side table.

 

Jensen can’t figure this guy out. It’s unnerving. “Why did you do that?”

 

“Got your mind off of it, didn’t I? Now you’re thinking about me.”

 

Jensen can’t argue with that. Maybe this guy isn’t exactly unnerving, maybe he’s just mysterious. A puzzle to be put together, piece by piece. The corners and the edges are the easiest, an attempt to figure out some sort of structure and from what Jensen can make out, he likes it so far. If anything, there’s a definite attraction there and for some reason they both seem to be a bit scared, deflecting the intensity.

 

Jared turns away from the weight of Jensen’s gaze, his attention now on a framed artwork on the wall. “Let me guess, future residence?”

 

The picture is of the Rocky Mountains and Jensen nods as he gets up from the couch, walks over to his desk where paperwork and old mail are piled up. “I don’t know, maybe. Hopefully someday. Not so sure about the snow though. Not really a snow bunny or anything.” He says lightly, taking the cuffs from the back of his belt, mace from his shirt pocket and the small holstered gun off his ankle. Not being on duty doesn’t mean that Jensen still doesn’t equip himself before going out, especially after today’s events. He puts everything in the top desk drawer and now, being totally unarmed with this stranger in his home, an unsettling feeling overwhelms him.

 

It’s a struggle, from what Jensen really wants and the unfamiliarity of this new situation. It scares him and yet the appeal is stronger than the fear. “So thanks… you know, for coming up here.” He says, leaning on the desk.

 

“Does this mean I’m leaving now?”

 

Jensen quickly shakes his head but he doesn’t want to look too desperate. “No. I mean, you don’t have to…”

 

Jared steps closer, eyes and smile soft. “Are you feeling better?”

 

Irritation boils up inside Jensen. Did he read this whole night wrong? “Oh, so you’re here as a medic?”

 

“Is this where you get mad again?”

 

And yet again, Jared manages to work his charm and Jensen blushes as he smiles. He can feel himself fall a little, but at the same time he’s holding himself steady, pumping those brakes so he doesn’t swerve off the road. The whole day has been long and Jensen is feeling it now, he’s tired and he hasn’t slept much in months. “So maybe going is a good idea.” He sighs; a little sad that night has to end. Alone again.

 

Jared steps closer, long hair falling in his eyes and Jensen itches to push it behind his ear. “Can I come back sometime?”

 

A tilt of his head and a bite to his bottom lip, teeth marking the soft flesh – Jensen’s signature flirt move. “Why would you want to?”

 

Jared takes a deep breath through his nose, briefly closes his eyes like he can’t get enough. “It must be the smell.”

 

Jensen can hardly recognize the sound of his own laugh, carefree and happy, it’s been so long. It doesn’t take much thought or effort to wrap his arms around Jared’s neck, finally tangling his fingers in that soft hair and pulling him down a little. Jared lets out a whimper at the touch and Jensen smiles, anxious for the kiss that Jared obviously wants too.

 

Except, he pulls back, retreating from the hold Jensen has around his shoulders. Disappointment sweeps through Jensen and he’s sure that his face falls, just like his stomach. He doesn’t even know what to say, can’t believe he got this wrong and he’s crushed all over again, twice in one day.

 

He searches Jared’s eyes and they stare at each other for a few seconds before he feels hands gripping around his waist, firm and strong as he’s being lifted to sit on the desk. Jared moves to stand between his legs and then they’re kissing hard. It’s demanding and hungry; Jared’s lips a wonderful pressure against Jensen’s. His mouth is slick and there’s passion behind every soft press, like Jared’s been holding back this entire night, just like Jensen and now he’s finally letting himself go.

 

It’s over way too fast. Jensen didn’t even get a proper taste, didn’t get to explore Jared’s mouth with his tongue and he’s aching for a chance.

 

When Jared breaks the kiss, his eyes are filled with a vacant darkness and he skims Jensen’s cheek with the back of his knuckles. It’s the only reason Jensen knows that he’s shaking.  “I better go.” It comes out in just above a whisper.

 

Jensen can’t think of anything to say. He’s holding his breath and the moment hangs in the air. Jared presses one more kiss to Jensen’s mouth and leaves. Once the door shuts, the breath Jensen had been holding escapes him. He shakes his head, can’t believe he lost control and let his guard down in front of a stranger he’ll probably never see again.

 

**

 

Jensen spends the night tossing and turning in bed, staring at the ceiling, replaying the whole day over and over like a movie on repeat in his mind. He thinks about sipping on some more scotch just to help him fall asleep, but he doubts that’ll even do the trick.

 

The next day is a blur with Jensen in a daze for most of it. He stays in, gets some stuff done around his apartment so he won’t have to face the world or talk to anyone. That night is the same as the one before, restless and sleepless. The bruise on his chest a constant reminder of what could have happened. He forces himself to think of Jared’s kiss when the echo of a gunshot rings through his ears. Somehow it makes him settle.

 

He has the morning shift and it’s relatively quiet on his beat. Lucy isn’t pounding him for details and seems to respect that Jensen doesn’t want to talk about what happened after he left the bar with Jared.

 

On his lunch break Jensen finds himself around the old neighborhood. He sees his mom in her garden as he rolls up in the jeep. She doesn’t look to see who it is as he puts it in park and can probably tell it’s him by the sound of the engine.

 

The house still looks good, could use some paint around the trim but Jensen knows better than to offer. He can see his mom stand up stiffly, favoring her lower back. The apron tied around her waist has patches of dirt here and there, gardening tools sticking up from the insides of the pockets.

 

She finally looks up, shading her eyes from the beating sun and smiles nervously. Her gaze falls on Jensen’s badge, his gun, and back up to his face as he walks along the stone path through the garden. Her expression is sad, the worried creases wrinkling her forehead in the same pattern he’s known since he was a kid, seeing them every time he would fall down or come home late. The deepest he’s ever seen them was when he told her that he was going to be a police officer and not follow the construction roots in the family.

 

She smells the same as she did when Jensen was growing up and her scent is a bit comforting. She smells like home and Jensen breathes it in deep when they hug cautiously. “It’s looking really good, mom.” Jensen says, bending forward slightly to smell a white rose.

 

She brightens instantly. “Do you think so? My tulips are having trouble coming up and I think squirrels are digging up my sunflowers.”

 

“Want me to shoot ‘em for you?”

 

She chuckles, hand pushing on Jensen’s shoulder. “Oh stop it.”

 

Their smiles fade and an awkward silence fills the air between them.  Jensen doesn’t really know what to say and pretends to look at the flowers instead of his mom, trying not to notice the gray hair falling around her face, the wrinkles deeper at the corners of her eyes that look similar to his own.

 

“Do you want to come in?” It’s said with kindness and maybe some hope, so Jensen nods and opens the door for his mom to go in first.

 

Memories hit him as soon as he enters the dark room. There are pictures of him and his brother when they were young on the wall, two boys with wild hair and missing teeth. There is clutter on the kitchen table and it smells like baked bread and smoke.

 

Jensen feels restless and isn’t sure he should have come at all. He can feel the tension begin to creep up in his neck. “Smells like cigarettes in here. I thought he quit.”

 

“He’s trying.” She sighs, not wanting to fight about it. Probably doesn’t have much fight left in her. “Down to five or six a day.”

 

Jensen nods, like that’s a big achievement. “I like the wall paper in here.”

 

His mom runs her hand along the wall, a fingernail chipping at a bump, an imperfection in an otherwise smooth surface. Her eyes are back on Jensen’s uniform though, darting to his hip, eyeing the gun there, the shoulder radio, the silver cuffs on his belt, and the top of his bullet proof vest peaking out under his button up shirt. More worry makes her press her lips together tightly in a thin line.

 

“How are you doing? Are you taking care of yourself?”

 

Jensen shrugs and steps towards the fireplace to lean his elbow on the mantel. “I guess I’m okay.” There’s a framed picture that he doesn’t remember being taken at his police academy graduation. “Has this always been here?” He’s not surprised he doesn’t know how long the picture has been up, but he is surprised it’s out at all.

 

“Yes, it’s always been there.”

 

Jensen steps away from the fireplace and crosses his arms over his chest. “Did Josh tell you that I stopped by the construction site the other day?”

 

“Of course he did. He called me that night, right after he left town.”

 

“He left town in the middle of a project?”

 

“There’re some parts he needs in Burbank. Took Rachel and Josh Jr. for a few days to visit Aunt May.”

 

“Oh.” Jensen remembers when they were little, going to Aunt May’s house when things got stressed around the house. “So is that why you called?” He doesn’t mention that she called in the middle of the day, probably knowing that he was on his beat and that it’d go right to voice mail.

 

“I called because we wanted to invite you to the renewal ceremony.” She says, slowly and calmly like the decision has been made, but she’s still not too sure.  “It’s three weeks from Saturday.”

 

“ _We_? Who exactly is _we_? You keep saying that.”

 

Mom doesn’t hesitate. “The family.”

 

Jensen lets that sink in and wonders exactly what it means. “Why are you renewing your vows anyway?”

 

“Well…” She pulls out a chair and sits down at the kitchen table, starting to gather the daily newspaper and advertisements. “I guess it’s like a fresh start.”

 

“Your idea?” Jensen doesn’t move to sit down. He probably won’t be staying much longer.

 

“No, both of us thought about it. We want our marriage to be blessed.”

 

“And it wasn’t blessed before?”

 

His mom closes her eyes at that, her shoulders slump and she looks frail now. “Of course it was blessed before. You just don’t understand.”

 

“What don’t I understand, ma? I’m really trying here.”

 

“You’re always thinking about the bad times, honey. I just wish you could remember the good times too. They’re there.”

 

They stare at each other for a moment and in a way, she’s completely right. The bad has overcome the good in his mind. The nasty, hurtful memories weighing over the good ones like a ton of bricks. “I’m sorry, mom. I wish I could do that.” He tries, searches through the sadness to think about something good in his past. There’re a lot of black holes. “Does he though? Remember any of the good? About me?”

 

“Of course, Jensen.” His mom gets up now and goes to the sink for a glass of water. “He doesn’t hate you. I hope you know that. He’s just still very… hurt.”

 

“Hurt? I hurt him?”

 

Jensen’s mom nods, slowly like she’s choosing what side she wants to be on. “Well yes. Being arrested like that. It would be an awful experience for anyone.”

 

“Yeah?” Jensen can feel the heat in his face, the familiar straining in his muscles when he gets stressed. “What about what he did to deserve it? You forget about that?”

 

“It wasn’t as bad as you make it out. You always make it seem worse than it really is. And it hasn’t been like that in years.”

 

Jensen can tell she’s being truthful and knows the signs to look for if she wasn’t. She’s wearing a tank top and shorts, no bruises on her arms and she’s moving without any hint of being sore, besides the ache in her lower back. “That’s good, ma. I’m glad he’s changed. But don’t you see? That means that it worked. That was the point, that’s why I did what I did. How come I’m the one who gets punished for it over and over again?”

 

“Sweetie, no one is punishing you.” She says sadly, and then smiles a little. “We’re inviting you. Please come. Will you?”

 

And Jensen could never refuse his mom, not after everything. “Yeah, ma. I’ll be there.”

 

She hesitates again, a trace of fear showing through her well placed mask she’s so good at building. “We just…” The words are gentle, she doesn’t want to offend. “Don’t want any trouble that day. Please.”

 

“I’m your son, mom. I never want any trouble. Okay? I’m not going to argue, I won’t come in my uniform.” Jensen smiles softly too, with maybe a little sadness on his face because it shouldn’t have to be like this.

 

“Okay. It’s on the twenty-third. You still know where the church is?”

 

“Yes, mom.” Jensen glances at his watch, his break time is almost over and he makes his way to the front door. He can feel the tension leave his shoulders now that he’s going, letting his defenses down just a little. “And tell dad… thanks. I’ll see you later.”

 

He doesn’t hear her say anything more, but can make out a sound of tissues being pulled from the box, probably to wipe away a tear he knows she was holding back.

 

**

 

It’s been one hell of a long day and Jensen is looking forward to crashing in his bed, attempting to by some miracle, get some much needed sleep.

 

He climbs the stairs to his apartment two at a time, anything to lock himself away just a little faster. He’s drained from that visit home, which is probably the reason he doesn’t go that often, because of the mixed up feelings he gets as a result.

 

When Jensen makes it to his front door there’s no mistaking the piece of paper stuck right under the peephole with scotch tape. He grabs at it carefully; a sense of hopeful surprise in the pit of his stomach, spiking prickles rolling down his skin when he guesses who it could be from.

 

It’s a sketch of a mountain scenery, simply done in pencil but beautiful all the same. Jared’s name is written in the bottom corner, along with his phone number. It makes Jensen grin for the first time that day. He shakes his head and unlocks the door, shutting it softly behind him.

 

Throughout the night Jensen keeps glancing at the drawing. It follows him into the kitchen when he microwaves a pizza for dinner, then to the living room as he watches the late time news, and then finally to bed as it sits on his night stand table.

 

He tosses his cell phone by the drawing, the phone number in pencil memorized by now and Jensen pictures himself dialing and… and then what? Then it gets awkward. Jensen really doesn’t want to do awkward with Jared. He wants to know what to say and how to say it, but he has no idea where Jared will lead him.

 

So he busies himself with getting ready for bed, rinsing the day off in a quick shower and snuggling down under the covers in the boxer briefs he usually wears to sleep. There’s a framed photo of the family across the room on his dresser and he stares at it for a bit too long, gets lost thinking about the conversation he had with his mom today, the house so uncomfortable yet familiar, and what it means when he’ll see his dad for the first time in years. He wishes that he just didn’t care, but in the end it’s always going to matter what his family thinks of him. He wants to be a part of it; he misses the dynamics and never wanted his family to be so divided, especially because of him. How the hell did they get here?

 

Jensen rolls over, the mattress shifting underneath him and now he’s faced with another uncertainty.

 

Jared.

 

Jensen doesn’t really know anything about the guy. The less he knows, the less he’s in control and Jensen doesn’t like that. He pushes the paper down, suddenly not wanting to see it anymore. The tape sticks to his finger though and he tries to shake it off, only for it to get stuck to his pinky. “Son of a bitch,” he mumbles under his breath. He doesn’t want to call. He doesn’t want to get into anything.

 

It’s such a lie.

 

The blind dates, the stupid idiotic men he has absolutely no intentions of actually having a relationship with, of course Jensen’s been looking for someone to fill this void. And now here’s a guy he might actually hit it off with and there’s nothing but conflict battling in his mind.

 

The tape is sticking to his thumb now and Jensen grabs his cell phone to quickly punch in the number before he can change his mind yet again.

 

After a few rings, Jared’s voice is slightly breathy, like he ran to pick it up. “Hello?”

 

It’s weird. Jensen hasn’t said anything and it’s already weird. “Do you have voicemail?

 

“What?” Jared doesn’t sound weird though. He sounds completely normal. In fact, Jensen can almost hear Jared smile through the phone, humoring Jensen.

 

“Do you have voicemail on your phone?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Can you um… can we just hang up and when I call again, you let it go to voice mail? Please?”

 

“Why?”

 

Jensen doesn’t answer. He hangs up instead, gives it a minute, imagines Jared look of confusion and dials the number again. Five rings until it goes to voice mail and Jensen’s heart beats like crazy as he listens to the beep.

 

“Hi. Uh. It’s me. I was thinking that maybe we could get breakfast tomorrow or something. I get up early for a run in the park. There’s a diner across Research Street. Like around eight. If you’re there, you’re there.” Jensen hangs up and tosses his phone down on his bed. There. Done. Now he can get some sleep and not think about anything until morning.

 

Five hours later, he’s still up. Thinking. About everything. Tossing and turning.

 

Around seven fifteen in the morning, he thinks about ignoring the alarm and burrowing under the pillow. He slams the button to off, sits up, finds his phone and calls the same number as last night. When there’s no answer, he fights off a yawn and tries not to mumble. “Hey, it’s me. Look, maybe this is a bad idea. I didn’t get much sleep and I was just in a funk last night. Maybe we should just leave things where they’re at.” He admires the pencil drawing once more and it still makes him happy, knowing that Jared was thinking about him. But there’s nothing that can really come from this. Besides, it’s too late now. “Bye… and well, thanks for the…” He can’t even finish, feeling embarrassed and exposed all over again, just like the night Jared was in his apartment. He tosses the phone to the side, lies back down, punches his pillow a few good times and throws the sheet over his head, hiding in the darkness.

 

Two hours later Jensen is finally getting to sleep. Then the knocking happens. Hard, determined pounding on his door that just won’t stop. He gets out of bed, pissy and frustrated, can hardly walk straight he’s so exhausted. He stumbles down the hallway, the grumpiness clearly overtaking him as he curses and yells at whoever is disturbing his attempt to get some much needed shuteye. “Okay, okay. Who is it?”

 

“It’s me.”

 

Jensen leans his forehead on the door. “Oh Jesus.”  He twists the locks and flings the door open. He’s still only wearing the briefs that he slept in and the cold air from the hallway brushes his bare skin. One thing he’s not embarrassed about is his body. He’s in great shape. Not that he usually puts himself on display like this, but hell, Jared did just wake him up.

 

Jared, with a stern expression on his face and maybe some disappointment, is now becoming slightly pissed off. Jensen finds himself not really all that sorry. He needs some god damn sleep.

 

“I was finally about to fall asleep.”

 

“You broke our date.”

 

Jensen scratches at his bare chest, watches as Jared tracks the movement but doesn’t let go of the eye contact for very long. “It was never a date.”

 

“Okay, fine.” Jared says, patience wearing thin. “An appointment. I always keep my appointments.”

 

Jensen lets out an exasperated sigh and walks back towards his bedroom, leaving Jared to follow him if he wants. He can hear the door shut and footsteps down the hallway. Jensen passes the mirror over his dresser on the way, noticing the pillow creases on his face and his hair sticking up every which way. He groans at the disheveled reflection and crawls into bed.  “I called you at seven fifteen and left a message.”

 

“I got up early and walked there.” Jared says, entering Jensen’s bedroom and looking around, but mostly at the lump of a body under the covers. He shifts the brown paper bag he has in his hand to the other. He’s wearing his long dark blue coat again and some faded jeans that make his legs look miles long. “I waited for you.”

 

“Check your phone.”

 

Jared slips his cell out of his pocket. He must see the message waiting for him because his eyebrows furrow in frustration.

 

“I need more sleep. Come back next week.”

 

“Come back?” Jared huffs. “What makes you think I would ever come back?”

 

Jensen flips onto his stomach, the pillow resting in the bend of his elbow. “Then why are you here?”

 

“I’m here…” Jared’s voice is like a reprimanding school teacher now. “To tell you that if you make an appointment you should keep it. That you shouldn’t keep people waiting and that when you tell someone you’re going to be somewhere then that person rearranges his entire life and you should be a lot more considerate instead of just-”

 

Jensen throws the sheet off and rolls over, eyeing the brown sack in Jared’s hand. “What’s in the bag?”

 

“What?” Jared’s obviously mad that Jensen didn’t take his life lesson more seriously. “None of your business.”

 

“Is it coffee? Because I smell coffee.”

 

Jared shakes his head a little, covers the bag with a protective hand. “And you think you deserve coffee?”

 

“What else is in there? Food?”

 

“You definitely don’t deserve any food, that’s for sure.” Jared starts to open the bag. “There’s sugar and cream for the coffee.”

 

Jensen’s pout turns into a smile as he sits up and Jared hands him the hot cup. “Just black. Awesome. Thank you.” He takes a sip, relishing in the flavor, and studies Jared in his room. “So I’m curious, what kind of life did you have to rearrange in order to get some coffee? You hardly said a word about yourself the other night. What is it that you do, Jared?”

 

Jared leans on the dresser, fiddling the coins that Jensen had dumped from his pockets. He opens the first drawer of the bureau and peeks inside. “What’s the difference?”

 

“Well, for one thing you’re in my bedroom. Going through my jockstrap drawer. That’s the difference. Who are you?”

 

Jared flushes and quickly pushes the drawer closed. “Someone who keeps his appointments.”

 

“Don’t do that. You’re avoiding the question again.” Jensen drinks his coffee and then a thought hits him like shard of glass in his heart. “Oh my god. Shit. You’re married, aren’t you? You’re _straight_?” He takes a pillow and throws it at Jared, totally convinced that he’s right. Not that a pillow will do much harm, but still.

 

Jared catches it easily. “I’m not, actually. Married or straight.”

 

“I don’t believe you.” Even though Jensen kind of does. It’s nine in the morning on a Saturday. If Jared was married, he’d probably be with his wife right now.

 

“You don’t believe me?” Jared says, walking towards the bed. “Then give me back the coffee. You especially don’t deserve it now.”

 

“No.” Jensen guards the cup and pouts again.

 

“Give it.”

 

Jensen reluctantly hands it over. Jared hits him with the pillow and gives the coffee back, leaving Jensen with a small smile. In a teasing voice, he continues, “Or wait, I know. You’re a criminal, right? Some kind of underground mob king. Great, that’s just what I need.”

 

Jared stares at him, eyes dancing and his tone is calm. “My name is Jared. I’m not married, I don’t commit any crimes. I like being with you. Let’s just start here. From right now.”

 

It doesn’t take long for Jensen to think about it. “That’s bullshit. I don’t do this. I don’t let people I don’t know into my life. Hell, into my bedroom. I’m not some jerk, Jared. I need the details. A last name would be a great start.”

 

“And I need to start from here.” He says it so matter-of-factly, like it’s his way or no way at all.

 

“That’s so absurd. Why?”

 

He shrugs, blinks slowly but meeting Jensen’s gaze. “It’s just the way it has to be.”

 

“So, your rules?”

 

“My rules.”

 

That’s all Jensen needs to hear for it to be over before it even started. “Okay, fine. I didn’t want to get to know you anyway. Bye.”

 

Jared doesn’t know what to say. He seems conflicted, like he doesn’t want to go but he doesn’t want to give in either. He walks to the doorway and pauses there and Jensen thinks he’s going to say something, but he doesn’t. Jared doesn’t turn around and continues to walk out.

 

What the hell? Jared wouldn’t have come all the way over here if he wasn’t going to give up some kind of information about himself. Did he really think they wouldn’t talk about him, his past, or what kind of life he leads?

 

Jensen’s eyes find that damn mountain sketch and his brain goes into fast forward, coming up with an idea. He puts the coffee cup on the night stand and hurriedly pulls on a t-shirt and jeans. He slips on some shoes and runs his hands through his hair before rushing into the kitchen and grabbing his keys. He's going to find out about Jared _his_ way.

 

Jensen follows the tall figure to his street. They actually don’t live that far away from each other if the back roads are taken. The building he lives in is ten levels high and Jensen presses all the buttons on the automatic door panel. Someone buzzes him in. He watches the elevator indicator stop at the second floor and Jensen silently runs up the stairs, his footsteps hardly making a sound, just in time to see what door Jared unlocks, slips inside and starts to close behind him.

 

Jensen bangs it open, feels like he’s on a sting with the way he barges in. Jared is startled to see Jensen there, staring hard and headstrong.

 

“Can I come in?” There’s sarcasm that comes out, but Jensen can’t help it. This guy has gotten under his skin. He walks right in and starts looking around; much like Jared had done at his place.

 

As much as Jared is shocked, he doesn’t seem to mind that Jensen is there. “Of course, sure. Come in.”

 

Desperately seeking for a clue about this man, Jensen is dumbfounded when there’s nothing in the apartment. It’s empty except for a mattress in the middle of the floor of the living room. The place is clean, high ceilings and wide windows that allow the sun light to pour through, but there’s not much else to look at. No books, no magazines, no photos, no clutter of life. The kitchen is in almost the same condition, sterile and unused.

 

“You live here? There’s no way. No one lives here. You use this place for some kind of scam. Drugs, prostitutes? What’s it for?”

 

“Is this what you were talking about-?”

 

“What?”

 

“The interrogation part. Do I need a lawyer?”

 

Jensen knows he sounds ridiculous. He just can’t figure it out. There’s no sign of anything wrong or bad that happens here, just that there’s nothing here at all. He takes a moment to breathe and stop accusing someone who doesn’t owe him anything in the first place. “I just don’t wanna be jerked around, man.”

 

“I’m not jerking you around, Jensen. I promise you that.”

 

That gives him hope. He tries again. “So then tell me how it is. Give it to me straight. Who are you?”

 

Jared stays silent, won’t budge an inch when Jensen is willing to run after him like a lunatic. It’s not playing fair, so Jensen moves to leave. He knows this will be the last time they see each other if Jared doesn’t stop him right the fuck now.

 

“What exactly do you need to know?”

 

Relief floods Jensen’s bones, his heart is pounding loudly in his chest, thankful that Jared is talking, maybe even giving this a chance.

 

“I need to know about your life. What you’re all about.” Jensen turns around, puts his hands in his pockets. His shoelace is starting to come untied. “I don’t want any surprises.”

 

“This is all the surprise you’re going to get.” Jared opens the expansion of his long arms and does a small circle around the empty room. The veins in his forearm are bulging out, thick lines that follow all the way up to his shoulder. Jensen wonders about the strength in those arms, sure that they could match his own. There are thick pipes that line some of the ceiling and Jensen can picture Jared doing pull ups each morning. “This is it. I sleep here at night and walk around during the day. That’s all.”

 

“That’s your life? That’s all of it? What about your hobbies, your interests, what do you even _like_ to do?”

 

Jared nods. “It doesn’t matter. This is my life now. Except for you. The way I feel about you…”

 

“Which is?”

 

“Surprising, I guess is the right word. I thought it would never happen. I thought I was--”

 

“You thought you were what? Straight?”

 

“No.” Jared shakes his head, crosses his arms, muscles tightening under the soft fabric of his shirt. “Dead. In a way.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean? Should I understand that?”

 

Jared shakes his head again and his face has gone soft. “No, not really. Have you ever wondered what ‘scratch’ means? When someone says that ‘we’ll start from scratch’? This is my scratch. We can start from here.”

 

“Scratch?” Jensen repeats the word, like it’ll suddenly be all the answers to his questions. He looks at Jared again, then around this empty place not filled with life, any life at all. It scares him. But then Jensen’s eyes find Jared’s again and he isn’t frightened. It’s so confusing. “I don’t know.” He says, backing up. Time to think, is what he needs right now. He breaks off the stare and heads for the door, feels Jared’s eyes on his back as he leaves.

 

**

 

At the end of his next work day, Lucy’s already gone when Jensen sits at his desk with a sandwich he never got to eat at lunch. He’s still unsettled from the day before, but mostly he’s so tired that his thoughts are numb, stuck in a loop inside his head.

 

The ziplock bag is still in his backpack when Morgan walks by, one of the geek guys from the lab. “Hey Morgan, can you do me a favor?”

 

Morgan stops reading a file he’d been looking at and nods to Jensen. “What’d you need?”

 

Jensen reaches for the plastic bag and hands it to him. “There’re two sets of fingerprints on it. Mine and someone else. You think that you can lift ‘em for me?”

 

Morgan opens the bag and crooks up an eyebrow. He can smell it from there. “Scotch?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Is there a case number?”

 

Jensen’s always liked Morgan. The guy doesn’t waste time on pleasantries and he certainly goes straight to the point. “Can we just call this a personal favor?”

 

Just a second passes when Jensen thinks maybe it won’t happen, but Morgan has never disappointed him before. “Sure, Ackles. You got it. I’ll let you know when it comes back.”

 

“Great, thank you.” Jensen only feels a little guilty when Morgan walks away with the glass. That if Jared knew what Jensen was up to, he’d probably never talk to him again. It’s really not Jensen’s fault though. He doesn’t do mysterious guys and needs to know what he’s up against. He gave Jared a chance to explain himself and well, that didn’t go well at all. Now it’s time to take matters into his own hands.

 

He pulls up the search engine on the computer and types in Jared Smith. That was the name Saunders had put in the report after talking to Jared about the shooting. Of course, Jared had no identification on him but he had just saved an officer so Saunders didn’t press. Jensen almost wishes he had.

 

He presses enter and 1,493 results pop up. These are criminals, arrests and convictions, and Jensen really doubts his Jared is in this data base, but at least it’s some sort of starting point. He’s on page 453, looking at a profile of a tweaked out guy with a red squirrely beard when the lieutenant comes up to his desk and sits down at the corner.

 

“Ackles.” Saunders says as a greeting. “How’s it going?”

 

“Why? What’d I do now?”

 

“Nothing. I’m just checking in with you.”

 

Jensen stops typing and shuts down his computer. This is a lost cause. “I’m fine. I’m tired, it was a long day.”

 

“Understandable.” Saunders clears his throat and Jensen wonders if he really is in trouble. “How’s the family?”

 

“The family?” The lieutenant has never asked about his family before. “Why?”

 

“I wanted you to hear it from me. That your brother, Josh…”

 

Jensen forgets the rest of his sandwich immediately, he can feel the acid rise in his stomach. “What about him?”

 

“Rodriguez took a call last week for a violent domestic dispute. One of the neighbors called it in and it got pretty ugly.  She didn’t arrest him, just a warning. Rodriguez said she didn’t think it was the first time.”

 

Fuck. There’s not much he can say and Saunders seems to understand this.

 

“I just thought you should know.”

 

“Thanks for telling me.”

 

**

 

There’s no point in driving by Josh’s house. Jensen knows they’re out of town, but he does it anyway. A basket ball and a forgotten kite are in the grass, the front yard looking completely normal for a family with an active son.

 

Jensen drives home slowly, tempted to stop at his mom’s house and give her a piece of his mind, like it’s somehow all her fault. But it’s late and Jensen needs some peace and quiet. His head probably would explode if he has another fight.

 

All he wants to do is sleep, but again he’s restless for hours after he gets into bed. He’s too warm, then too cold, then thirsty and then he has to go to the bathroom, then the neighbors listen to loud music and the noise from the street keeps him up, along with his thoughts going a mile a minute in his mind. There were days when Jensen could have slept through all of this, he would sleep ten hours every night no problem. Those days seem like a million years ago.

 

He doesn’t know what makes him do it, the agitation or the stupidity from lack of sleep. The light from his cell phone is the only glow of brightness in his otherwise dark room and he presses send before he changes his mind.

 

“I can’t sleep.” He says, as soon as the line stops ringing.

 

“That seems to be a regular problem that you have.”

 

Jared’s voice is instantly soothing. Deep and sexy, kind and strong.

 

“Any suggestions?” Jensen asks, flipping onto his stomach and closing his eyes.

 

“Well, there’s always zoning out and watching tv.”

 

“Tried it.”

 

“Counting sheep?”

 

“Useless.”

 

“Hmm…” Jared shifts and Jensen wonders if he’s in bed too, if he woke Jared up. It doesn’t sound like it though. “Did you try masturbating? I hear that can knock some guys out almost instantly.”

 

Jensen laughs loudly, surprised by Jared’s bluntness. The guy seems so careful, always saying the right things. It makes Jensen think back to that heated kiss they shared and how he wants a repeat, longer and harder makeout session.

 

“Does it for you?” Jensen asks bravely, turned on by this whole different direction the conversation is going.

 

“Maybe.”

 

“That sounds like a yes.”

 

“Well it’s not like I’m proud of it.” Jared says, trying to hold in laughter too. “How did we get on this topic? You tricked me into embarrassing myself.”

 

Jensen can’t stop smiling and feels a bit like a fool. “I believe we were trying to help me fall asleep.”

 

“Oh yeah.” There’s movement again and a shuffle of material.

 

“Did I wake you up?”

 

“No,” Jared replies. He’s fast to say it, almost as if he doesn’t want Jensen to go. “Not at all.”

 

“What were you doing?”

 

“Reading in bed.”

 

“Oh.” Jensen doesn’t know why he’s surprised by that either. He wants to ask what book, but doesn’t think Jared will answer him. “Anything interesting?”

 

“Not really.”

 

Jensen knew it. And now he can hear weird sounds in the background, people talking and cars driving by. “What’s that noise?”

 

“The tv.” Jared says quickly, almost too hasty like he’s lying. “Some cop show is on.”

 

“Oh god,” Jensen moans. “Those are the worst.”

 

“You don’t like them?” Jared asks lightly. “I thought they’d be right up your alley.”

 

“Please. CSI, man? It’s just so bad. The sunglasses, the acting, the silly dialogue. Real cops don’t talk like that.”

 

“They don’t? I’m shocked.” The teasing tone of Jared’s voice is something else entirely. Jensen is captivated by it. “You just ruined hours of cop drama television I was planning on watching.”

 

“Then I did you a favor.” Jensen tells him. “You owe me one.”

 

Jared laughs, the amusement a sweet sound. “I guess we’re even now, huh?”

 

Jensen thinks that he owes Jared his life and it’s nice that Jared won’t bring it up. “Hey you didn’t have a tv when I was at your place.”

 

“There’s this awesome place called Sears, Jensen. They sell electronics in exchange of money. It’s really quite fascinating.”

 

 _Now Jared wants to banter?_ Jensen is the king of banter. “And you have money?”

 

“I have enough to get by.”

 

“Right…” Jensen doesn’t believe him. “It’s okay if you’re not rich, Jared. There’re things to life other than material bullshit.”

 

“You won’t be mad if I can’t shower you with diamonds?”

 

“Oh I’ll be really bummed out.” Jensen fakes disappointment. “You’ll have to find other ways to get my attention.”

 

“Is that a challenge?”

 

“Only if you want it to be.”

 

“Oh I very much want to accept.” Jared says softly and then almost in a whisper, “If you’ll let me. I’m not sure you want my attention to begin with.”

 

“I do. I just…” Jensen trails off, thinks about what he wants to say, thinks about giving Morgan that glass this morning and trying to look up Jared’s information in the data base today. As much as he wants to find out who he is, Jensen’s scared too. What if Jared is someone who he can’t be with? What if the things he discovers, he won’t like? What if… well, there’s a lot of what ifs. But really, does he even want to know? This morning Jensen was sure, but now he finds himself just wanting what Jared is able to offer him, even if it’s not much. “Maybe we can go slow? I still don’t know much about you--”

 

“Jensen…”

 

“And I get that won’t change any time soon, but maybe you’ll be ready some day. But for now I can just go with it. We can start from here.”

 

“Really?” Jared sounds relieved, grateful even.

 

“Yeah, I guess. Just slow. We’ll go slow.” Jensen wonders if he’s lying to Jared right now. That maybe he’ll change his mind and try to nudge a little, see what else he can find out about him.

 

“Of course.”

 

The ring of Jensen’s front door bell chimes and he can hear it echo over the phone as well. “Oh god. Is that you?”

 

“You gonna let me in?”

 

Jensen’s already out of his bed, bare feet cold on the hallway floor as he makes his way towards the front room. “I thought we just agreed that we’re gonna go slow.” He opens the door and Jared is standing there, dimples carved into his cheeks as Jensen comes into view.

 

“We can go slow. See? This is me going slow.” Jared slides his cell phone in his pocket and gives Jensen a small smile.

 

“It’s late. You shouldn’t be here.”

 

“It’s not that late, Jensen.” His eyes are so hopeful and Jensen gives, pushes the door more open so Jared can come in.

 

Jensen finds it a little strange that they’re in the same situation, him in his briefs again and Jared following him to his bedroom. Except this time there’s no coffee and it is actually late, despite what Jared thinks.

 

“So you’ve let me into your bedroom…” Jared starts, a hint of teasing but still not entirely sure of how to move forward. “This makes two times now, in case you forgot. But will you let me in your bed?”

 

Jensen rolls his eyes and crawls under the covers. “I’m not some chick.”

 

“Says the guy who needs to go slow.”

 

And that’s just plain mean.

 

Jensen glares. “You do know I have a gun, right? Don’t mock the guy with a gun.”

 

“My apologies.” Jared grins, takes his navy coat off and leaves it on the floor. He’s wearing a pair of sweat pants and a thin white t-shirt, not worn from age but still soft. He gets in the bed, but still leaves Jensen some space. “So… why can’t you sleep?”

 

Jensen cuddles the pillow under his cheek and lays straight, not touching Jared at all. He has to look up because Jared is sitting, leaning up against the headboard.

 

“Honestly? My family sucks.”

 

“Ah. Good old family issues. A classic problem.”

 

Jensen sighs deeply, suddenly feeling exhausted. “Yeah, well. Issues don’t even begin to describe the kind of damaged my family is. You got problems with your family too?”

 

“My parents died a long time ago.” Jared says quietly. “And I don’t have any other siblings… or anyone else.”

 

“Oh.” Jensen feels dumb for being so insensitive, especially when Jared stiffens a little. “Well you can have mine.”

 

“You wanna talk about it?”

 

Jensen’s eyelids are heavy now, like a ton of bricks are weighing them down. “I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

 

Jared scoots down so he’s looking at Jensen now. “Maybe from scratch?”

 

Jensen can’t help but to smile. Of course, why didn’t he think of that? “The sun would be up before I’d be able to finish.”

 

He can feel his heart pump like mad in his chest as Jared raises his hand, skims the back of his knuckles across Jensen’s cheek, stares at him for a few more beats as he leans over for a chaste kiss on the lips.

 

“I’ve got time.”

 

**

 

Jensen leaves Jared in his bed the next morning. He hasn’t slept that well in a really long time. He has a feeling that maybe Jared hasn’t either, given by the way he didn’t stir a muscle when Jensen was getting ready for work. He left a note for Jared to lock the door behind him and it’s strange to leave him in his home, the only place where Jensen is truly comfortable. Not that’s there’s much Jared can do or steal if he really wanted to, but it’s nice to trust someone again, especially enough to sleep with him.

 

There’s still something that isn’t quite right though and it’s only because Jensen knows himself so well. He has to get to the bottom of it, or at least get some more clues that add up. He likes Jared for how he is, but not who he is because there’s still a mystery there. Being in the dark is not something that Jensen is good at. He tried last night; felt completely safe as he let Jared in his bed and this morning he had no problem leaving him there.

 

 And he really doubts that Jared would screw him over… and if he does? Well then shame on Jensen for his complete lack of being able to read someone, something that’s supposed to be an interact part of his profession. But then there’s an itch that he wants to scratch, this massive stupid curiosity that just won’t quit even after a night together. And being nosy is a part of being an officer too, getting all the facts to build something credible.

 

That’s why he finds himself at Jared’s apartment again, except this time he goes to the building office. After talking with the apartment manager, Jensen doesn’t have any more leads. Jared had put down Smith as his last name again and had paid in cash for his place just a few weeks ago. No new or useful information.

 

Jensen glances at his watch. He has to be at the station in fifteen minutes, which gives him enough time to go up Jared’s floor and talk to the neighbors. Just as he’s about to knock though, he stops himself. If anyone were to tell Jared that a police officer was here and was questioning the people he lived by, well… Jensen’s sure that wouldn’t go over well with Jared and he might lose him all together, before he’s really ready.

 

“Can I help you?”

 

A young woman struggling with a stroller has made her way out of the apartment next to Jared’s and Jensen realizes he’s been staring at the door like an idiot.

 

“No, I was just leaving.” He says, then remembers his manners and helps with the stroller, straightening out the wheels.

 

“Thank you!” She smiles warmly and starts to strap in her wiggling baby. “Are you sure there’s nothing I can do for you?”

 

Jensen hesitates at her curious expression towards his uniform and doesn’t know what to say.

 

“I hope there’s no trouble in the building. It’s always been very quiet.” She says and Jensen quickly reassures her by shaking his head.

 

“No ma’am. Just visiting a friend, but he’s not home.”

 

“Oh, Jared? He must be out walking again.”

 

“Walking?”

 

She nods and begins to dig through the diaper bag for something, distracted as she goes on. “He walks around the city a lot. I’ve seen him everywhere but he always looks like he doesn’t want company. Lost in his own world. He really keeps to himself, I don’t know much about him. No family ever comes around and you’re the first friend I’ve seen. I just know that he’s a very nice.”

 

“And how would you know that?”

 

She smiles as she finds her key and locks the door behind her. “A few days ago he found my keys I had left in the doorknob. I had my hands full with the baby n’all and must’ve forgotten them in the lock. He knocked on my door and let me know.”

 

“A lot of people would’ve done the same, miss.” Jensen points out nicely.

 

“Yes, but then he came in and fixed my burst pipe under the sink when he saw what a mess the kitchen was. Not a lot of people would do that. He just went back to his place, got some tools, and went to work without me even asking. He didn’t have much to say but he sure was nice. I don’t know what I would’ve done. And the view was fantastic, I must say.” She giggles and then waves goodbye before bustling down the hallway.

 

Jensen imagines Jared’s long body lying on the tiled kitchen floor, his shirt riding up to expose a brown worn leather belt and narrow hips. He’s almost jealous his kitchen pipe hasn’t burst. He waves halfheartedly to the woman as she leaves and then stands there for a few more minutes until he realizes he’s going to be late for work if he doesn’t leave now.

 

A few hours later Jensen’s trying to get some paperwork done, but he might as well be twiddling his thumbs. Morgan dropped by and said that he lifted a perfect print, but nothing came up in the database. Honestly, Jensen’s not surprised. He knew that Jared wasn’t a criminal and doesn’t understand why he made such an effort to confirm something he already knew. But then again, if Jared’s name had popped up and he had committed some kind of crime, Jensen would have probably justified that as well.

 

His desk is covered with work and usually by mid afternoon he’s done with his reports, all stacked neatly into a nice pile. Now that Jensen is somewhat satisfied with his findings about Jared, his thoughts start to drift to Josh, knowing that he is home from his trip now. Jensen needs to see Rachel for himself and make sure she’s okay. He’s just made the decision to drive over to their house again when a call comes in.

 

“Hey,” Perez stops at his desk and Rodriguez is with him, a concerned frown on her face. “We got another domestic dispute from dispatch. Same address. You wanna join us this time? Torres and Jenkins are already on their way.”

 

Jensen’s hands clench into fists and he nods. Lucy is getting coffee in the break room and quickly leaves it. She gets behind the wheel, Jensen seeing too much red to be able to drive. He doesn’t even remember the ride and he definitely hasn’t been this pissed off in a long time.

 

The front door is open and there are low voices inside the house. Jensen can makes out Rachel’s above everyone else. He hurries to her, anxious at what he’ll find, glad that Josh Jr. doesn’t seem to be around, most likely still at school.  The place isn’t messy at all, not one thing out of place. Jensen hates to think of what happens if Rachel doesn’t clean constantly, the consequences that she’d probably have to face.

 

“Jesus Christ.” Jensen spits out when he sees how badly her face is bruised. She’s sitting on the bed in the master bedroom, and now this room is messy, overturned side table and smashed lamp. Torres is with her, writing something on a report clipboard. He doesn’t say anything about where Jenkins is but Jensen can imagine he’s wherever Josh happens to be.

 

They stare at each other until Rachel’s eyes start to fill with water.

 

“Jensen, please don’t make it worse.”

 

Jensen was wrong, he actually can get angrier. He hadn’t thought it was possible. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. Does it get worse than this, Rach?”

 

“It’s fine now. He’s upset at himself about it. Just don’t make him mad.”

 

Jensen moves to kneel on the floor, his utility belt clanging on his legs as he drops. He reaches to cup her chin lightly and Rachel turns her bruised face away, ashamed.

 

“When Josh and I were kids our mom would say that all the time. Tell us not to make dad mad. Has he hit Josh Jr. yet?”

 

“He would never do that!”

 

“Oh, just you then, huh? Jensen gets to his feet and he has the ugly urge to make Josh mad. He can’t wait for it.

 

“Jensen, stop!” Rachel calls out for him, but Jensen is already crossing through the kitchen to the backdoor. The garage is open and Josh is leaning against the SUV that is parked inside, arms crossed over his chest and a shitty smirk on his face.

 

“Oh great.” Josh says when he sees Jensen. He glances to the other officers around him, Jenkins and Perez, probably thinking that he’s safe with these cops around. Jensen hopes Lucy and Rodriquez are inside trying to talk sense into Rachel.

 

“What the ever living fuck, Josh?” Jensen yells. “You wanna hit someone, how about you find someone your own size, huh? How about you find someone who can fight back, right Josh? How about you try, _just try_ to find me and I’ll let you punch the shit outta my face before you hurt her again!” Jensen rages and tries to get his hands on his brother. Perez pushes him back though, keeping him at an arm’s distance.

 

“Calm down, Jensen. I have neighbors.”

 

Bewilderment makes Jensen lunge again and Perez tells him to back off.

 

“Look, I lost my temper, okay?” Josh says, stepping closer. “Things got out of hand.”

 

“Yeah? You see a pattern here, bro? People always say they’ve got a fucking temper. It’s an excuse and you know it.”

 

Josh rolls his eyes. “I don’t need a god damn lecture from you.”

 

“No, maybe dad can give you a better one.”

 

“He has nothing to do with it. Don’t blame him.”

 

“Oh I’m not,” Jensen’s voice is deathly calm. “Trust me. I’m blaming you, you fucking coward.”

 

“You’re an asshole, Jensen.”

 

Jensen takes another step towards him, rigid with fury. This time Perez doesn’t stop him. “Says the man who uses his wife as a punching bag.” His fist lands hard on Josh’s nose. He probably broke it. There’s blood all down the front of his shirt and dripping on the driveway. Good.

 

Josh catches the blood with his collar and looks at Perez and Jenkins. “Did you see that? I just got assaulted by an officer! I’m reporting that!”

 

Perez puts his hands on his hips and gives Josh a pointed stare. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, sir.”

 

“He hit me! The bastard broke my fucking nose!”

 

Jenkins shakes his head. “Sir, you tripped and fell. We’ll put that in the report for you.”

 

Jensen can hear them arguing and Jenkins telling Josh to get some counseling as he goes back into the house and makes his way to the patrol car. He knows there’s no point in trying to reason with Rachel, to tell her that she and Josh Jr. can come and stay with him. He knows that from past experience because even though this hasn’t happened in a long time, it’s definitely not the first.

 

**

 

Jensen already called Jared on his way home. He didn't say anything and hung up after the second ring. He leaves the door open, hoping that Jared will be here any second. Thankfully there’s an ice pack in the freezer and Jensen wraps it in a dishtowel before he presses his hand into it, stinging from punch he gave his brother’s nose.

 

He slides down the kitchen wall, still in full uniform, and sits on the floor. He’s just staring when Jared walks in and must look like a hot mess, too deep in his thoughts to say anything. So this is what rock bottom feels like, abandonment engulfing him in such darkness that there’s not much room for any hope.

 

Jared sits down on the floor too. He takes Jensen’s bruised hand in his and holds the ice pack there for him. Sitting on the edge is not somewhere Jensen wants to be. He’s very close to jumping off, anger still right under the surface, and he finally slumps his body on Jared’s beside him.

 

“Are you ok--”

 

“Just shut up.” Jensen cuts him off, doesn’t feel badly about it. “And listen.”

 

“But I didn’t even say--.”

 

“I don’t want to talk about anything. I don’t care anymore, okay? What games you might be playing--”

 

“But I’m not play--”

 

“I don’t want to hear it. All right?” Jensen gets up from off the floor and stumbles into the living room. He stops when he reaches his desk and leans there. “I don’t want to hear anything.” Jared follows, steps into Jensen’s space and he lets him in. “It’s been a really bad day.”

 

Jared nods in understanding, sees the pain, but keeps his mouth shut. He puts his arms around Jensen’s waist and pulls him in until he lays his head on Jared’s broad shoulder. He feels the tension seep out of his body and lets Jared hold his weight up, embraces him fully and this is what he needed, the medicine to cure him. Big hands follow his spine up and down, over his bulletproof vest he has strapped around his chest.

 

“Thank you.” Jensen murmurs. “This is nice. But I’m too tired to stand anymore. And I’m sure you don’t wanna hang around just to watch me try to sleep.”

 

Jared shakes his head. “That’s where you’re wrong.” He whispers. “I want to be here. I want to take care of you.”

 

“Don’t need anyone to take care of me.” Jensen grumbles. He lets Jared though, even gets a smile for trying to argue.

 

Jared presses dry lips to Jensen’s temple, keeping the kisses light. “I know you don’t. But just let me, okay?” He begins to disarm him, clipping off the handcuffs from the back of Jensen’s belt, snapping off the mace and laying them both on the desk. Next comes the gun at his side and Jared handles it very carefully, pulling the gun from the holster and gently putting it down. He slides down the length of Jensen, stops to move up his pant leg and takes the ankle holster off too. The radio clipped on his shoulder is next, followed by his uniform shirt. The bullet proof vest is thick and Jared traces his fingers along the top and bottom of it, feeling the warmth of Jensen’s skin against the material that’s saved his life more than once.

 

When all of Jensen’s protective equipment is laid out on his desk, Jared takes the hand that isn’t bandaged and leads Jensen to the couch. He lies down and Jared is right next to him, eyes locked together and faces lingering close.

 

“You wanna kiss me?”

 

Jared seems a little lost, but he nods helplessly. He reaches towards Jensen’s lips and just before they touch, Jensen says softly, “Kiss me someplace I’ve never been kissed before.”

 

Jared hesitates, not knowing what to do. He starts to look Jensen over, as if he were hunting for the perfect unkissed place and a soft smile spreads across his mouth. He slowly starts towards Jensen’s ear and Jensen just shakes his head. Jared lets himself look and heads down to Jensen’s bare stomach, noses around his bellybutton and sneaks to check and see if he’s right. Jensen shakes his head again. Jared lets out a low growl, on the hunt once more and it makes Jensen smile, the upwards twitch of his lips feeling nice, especially after a rough day.

 

Jared takes Jensen’s hand and turns it so the soft flesh of his underarm is up. He nips at the inside of his elbow, presses his lips to Jensen’s bicep just a few inches from his armpit and breathes in deeply at the scent. Jensen sighs with pleasure, closes his eyes and lets out a breathy moan when Jared gets it right, his mouth traveling to the low hallow of his neck and back down the underside of his arm all the way to his wrist. The kisses are lavish and wet, overwhelmingly sensual and Jensen can feel his cock harden in his pants. He brings his knees up, wanting to spread his legs, to take Jared’s mouth against his right now.

 

It’s in the same moment that Jared stops and pulls away. He looks at Jensen, eyes soft and gaze deep.

 

Jensen’s voice is quiet. “Why did you stop? You always stop.”

 

“Slow, remember?”

 

Jensen lets out a low whine. It’s been slow enough. Jared puts his arms around Jensen’s drawn up knees, rests his head there and closes his eyes for a moment. There’s still a glimpse of something unknown there, a sadness that Jensen wishes he knew about.

 

Jared sits back on the couch and Jensen goes for him, settles in at his side and burrows his head on Jared’s shoulder again. Jared runs his fingers in Jensen’s short hair, strokes at his scalp and massages the base of his neck. They tumble towards sleep and end up on the couch; limbs tangled and pressed together snuggly, small kisses pressed on each other’s skin in the middle of the night, soft enough not to wake the other, just wanting to be close, loneliness far away.

 

It’s just after dawn when Jared jerks awake and Jensen almost slips off of him.

 

“Nightmare?” Jensen’s voice is rough and he yawns. It’s too early to be up and he’s glad he has the day off from work.

 

“Something like that.” Jared swings his legs and sits up on the couch, looking just as rumpled as Jensen feels.

 

“Are you okay?” Jensen feels worried for him, wants nothing more than Jared to be strong and healthy.

 

“Yes.” Jared smiles, pulling Jensen towards him as they both lay back on the couch again. “It’s a new day. And I should be asking you that.”

 

“I feel better.” Jensen replies truthfully. “I’d feel even better if I knew I could spend the day with you.”

 

“Don’t have to go in today?”

 

Jensen shakes his head against Jared’s chest.

 

“What’re we gonna do?”

 

“This. All day.” Jensen stretches like a cat, arches his back. “Maybe more. If you let me.”

 

“Let you?” Jared scoffs. “I’ll always let you.”

 

“Yeah?” Jensen starts a slow path of kisses behind Jared’s ear and pauses to nibble on the lobe. “Then prove it.”

 

Jared groans, clearly turned on. “How?”

 

“Wanna blow you.” Jensen whispers, hands working down Jared’s body and finding him hard. It’s easy to go from there, slick lips and wet kisses, sharp bites around the knobs of Jared’s stomach muscles as he continues his venture down. Jensen sucks Jared’s dick in between his lips in one fluid motion, skilled and practiced that he does it with ease and now Jared is the one arching off the couch, soft sounds spilling from his mouth as he starts to thrust his hips.

 

He tastes perfect and Jensen swallows the length down his throat, works it along his teasing tongue and it’s not long until Jared explodes in his mouth, looking at Jensen like he's amazing. Jensen laps it up and places gentle kisses on the head as Jared comes down from his orgasm. He can’t seem to stop worshiping Jared’s cock, licks down his balls and swirls his tongue there before he hears Jared grunt and pull him up. He wraps his huge twisting hand around Jensen and he’s gone in a world of bliss, come dripping down Jared’s knuckles as it doesn’t take long for him either.

 

“Yeah.” Jared chuckles. “We could do this all day.” And so they do. They kiss, they make out until their lips are sore and used, flushed and plump from the constant pressure of each other’s mouth working in unison.

 

Jensen only catches Jared zoning out once, can’t even remember what they had been talking about, maybe something about music and as they start to kiss again Jensen is finding that his tongue is doing all the work while Jared’s isn’t swirling around in the usual urgency. Jensen pulls back and Jared’s eyes are almost vacant, like he’s not present and off in another world. Jensen gently shakes his shoulders and reminds Jared that he’s safe, not somewhere he doesn’t need to be anymore. Jared recovers quickly and goes in for another deep and urgent kiss, like he doesn’t want to get lost again.

 

After that, they talk about nothing at all, tease each other and poke fun, nothing too serious as Jensen can’t handle anymore right now. Conversation is kept light and on easy topics, and sometimes they don’t talk at all throughout the day, just hold each other or fall on the couch for an afternoon nap. In the evening, Jensen flicks the TV on and turns the channel to a Star Wars marathon, the volume set on low.

 

There’s a light tension to Jared’s shoulders when he realizes what’s on, but then much to Jensen’s amusement, Jared starts to geek out about Skywalker and George Lucas, spouting off different facts about the movie, whispering in Jensen’s ear, “Did you know that Darth Vader was played by three different people?” Jensen just laughs and shakes his head. He lets Jared tell him random trivia until they both get hungry for dinner.

 

Jared presses his stupidly chiseled chest to Jensen’s back as he prepares a meal at the counter. They drink wine instead of beer and it seems almost romantic, something that Jensen wanted more than anything.  He loves this bubble they’re in right now, just the two of them, together and in a safe place with no interruptions and no loud noises.

 

 The only harsh sounds come from Jared as Jensen makes him come again that night, his fingers wrapped tightly around Jared’s hard shaft from behind, stroking in a rhythm that must be perfect because Jared spills far too soon. Jensen releases as well, all over the small of Jared’s muscled back and they fall asleep like that, with Jensen’s hand still cupping Jared’s now sticky soft cock, wanting to be close to every part of him for one more night.

 

**

 

The annual charity baseball game is one of Jensen’s favorite times of the year; there’s sunshine and hot dogs, fresh cut green grass and hot firemen in tight pants playing as the opposing team.

 

Everyone in his squad is on the field with all of their families sitting in the bleachers to cheer them on. Usually Jensen never has anyone in the bleachers to watch him play and today, at the very corner of the stands, there is Jared with a big smile on his face.

 

And Jensen feels all giddy when he can’t help but get a huge grin to match. He knows he’s flushed but he’ll just blame it on the heat if the guys make fun of him for it.

 

“Hey, ain’t that your knight’n shining armor over there, Ackles?” Perez asks as he, Jenkins and Torres approach. They all wave and Jared is beaming when he notices and waves back.

 

“Stop calling him that.” Jensen says, the blush probably obvious on his cheeks now. “And yes, that’s Jared.”

 

Torres nods and squints, like he’s trying to remember something. “He’s the one who turned in that wallet to me a few weeks ago. I knew I recognized him from somewhere.”

 

“He turned in a wallet?” Jensen’s not surprised. Jared seems like an honest man.

 

“Yeah, with a ton of cash in it and when the guy offered him a reward, he refused to take it.” Torres answers. “And Rodriguez was tellin’ me she saw him downtown the other day just sitting on a bench staring for hours. She thought he was a little slow, but when she saw him at the station turning in the wallet…” He shrugs. “I guess she was wrong.”

 

Jenkins takes a bat and starts to swing for practice. “I’ve seen him on my beat too, just wandering around, like he doesn’t even know where he is. Looks miserable most of the time but he ain’t hurtin’ anybody so I always leave him be.” He stops to stretch before starting to swing again. “I had to shoo him away from the parking meters once too, kept putting in quarters for people’s time running out.”

 

They all look at Jensen for an explanation and usually he’s pretty quick witted; can think of a comeback at the drop of a hat. And now, he’s totally speechless. “Um…”

 

“You know anything about him?” Perez asks, not intrusively but Jensen still feels like he’s on trial here.

 

“Not really.”

 

They all give him a concerned look and Jensen peers past all of their shoulders to look at Jared, who is sitting there quietly, not interacting with anyone and just kind of staring off into space. He’s zoning out again and Jensen wonders what he’s thinking about all the time. Why he walks the streets and sits on benches, drifting day after day. Jensen finds it more startling that he just doesn’t care anymore and whatever surprise Jared might have in store for him, well… he’ll just have to deal with it when it comes. For now, he’s very much fine without anything destroying his and Jared’s perfect little place of solitude.

 

Lucy walks up and starts griping right away. “You all gonna cluck around here like a bunch of hens or are we gonna play some ball!”

 

Jensen smiles at her, grateful for her timing and runs over to the dugout to get his mitt. He wonders if Jared will stay like that the whole game, not really knowing what’s going on. When he’s up to bat, Jensen checks and sure enough, Jared’s full attention is on him, cheering and whistling the loudest in the crowd.

 

He hits a homerun.

 

After Jensen rounds third base and runs home, the guys all give him a high five. He jogs over to Jared, who jumps down from his seat and wraps Jensen in his arms, hugging him and laughing as they dunk back towards the fence where no one can see them.

 

“That was awesome! I can’t believe you hit it that far!” Jared bursts with energy, his voice proud. He pulls Jensen in for a quick kiss, going back for another kiss and then another, not wanting to let him go.

 

“Must be the cheer section I’ve got going on.” Jensen grins, his hands going to the back of Jared’s neck to pull him down for another few breathless kisses.

 

Jared groans deeply into Jensen’s mouth and he’s making all these sweet sounds like he can’t get enough. His hands fall to Jensen’s backside, squeezing and pinching at his ass, the flesh rounded in those big palms. “You look amazing in these pants, by the way.”

 

“Oh yeah?” Jensen can’t argue, the material is tight across his skin. “Am I indecently exposing myself?”

 

Jared nods, his lips softly dragging across Jensen’s mouth. “Uh huh. Gonna get yourself arrested.”

 

It’s getting too hot and Jensen has to step away, but he keeps hold of Jared’s hand as they walk back to the game. “Hey listen, you don’t have to stay until the end. These things can get dragged out pretty long.” Jensen tells him. “Usually all the spouses leave early with the kids so feel free to take off whenever you want. We have to stay and help clean up.”

 

Jared tugs on Jensen’s hand and smiles slowly. “So then I can help and clean up too.” He reaches out to rub some dirt off of Jensen’s chin, tilts it up after and plants a kiss on his lips.

 

“Yeah?” Jensen raises his eyebrows. None of the husbands or the wives ever stick around that long. And maybe if Jared stays a while longer, it’ll give him a chance to get to know the guys and Lucy a little more and maybe they won’t give him shit about Jared after he acts a little normal around them.

 

Normal would be great.

 

**

 

Another week goes by and Jensen finds himself pounding up the side of a mountain, practically running as Jared tries to keep up. The hiking trail is on the side of a ridge and Jensen is barely out of breath. He stops to study the view. It’s beautiful here, it helps to clear his head and lifts his spirits.

 

Jared is falling behind, breathing heavily. He calls out when they’re a few yards apart. “Hey! Wait up for a minute.”

 

Jensen waits patiently, ties his shoes and adjusts the pack on his back.  “I thought you walked around the city all day.” He says when Jared catches up, flush in the face and sweat making his long hair stick to his forehead.

 

“The city is flat, okay?” Jared wheezes out.  “Can we rest here? Look at the mountains? Have a candy bar? I’ve burned every calorie I’ve ever had. I need a little recharge.”

 

Jensen slips on his sunglasses and tries not to laugh. “My favorite spot for lunch is right up around the bend there.”

 

“Up?” Jared gasps out, shaking his head in a panic.

 

Jensen does let out a laugh now and starts on the trail again.

 

“I’m not really a competitive guy, you know?” Jared calls out. “You win this race, okay?”

 

“It’s not a race.” Jensen yells back, but he can hear Jared jogging to easily catch up to him, despite his dramatic complaining. “Slow poke.” He grins and Jared takes his hand as they hike to the lake together.

 

The water is gorgeous and Jensen sets out a thin blanket he always brings to sit on. It’s nice having Jared’s company here, someone to share this with. They didn’t pass a single person on the way up and it’s peaceful, quiet and perfect. He grabs a few of the sandwiches from his pack and hands one to Jared, who collapses on the blanket in a heaving sweaty mess.

 

He shakes his head though, as he takes off his jacket. “No thanks, I can’t eat and have a heart attack at the same time.”

 

Jensen laughs and takes a bite of his own sandwich, stares out and takes in the clear lake, the tall trees around the edge and the sounds of nature around him. Reality starts to creep in though, his brother and work, and suddenly he loses his appetite.

 

Jared seems to notice because he moves to sit by him and rests his chin on Jensen’s shoulder. “As soon as you smile, you get sad again.”

 

“I’m fine. Everything is code four.”

 

“What’s does that mean?”

 

“It means no further assistance needed.” Jensen sighs, puts his hand on Jared’s knee and offers him a bite of his sandwich.

 

“Bullshit,” Jared says. “You’re not fine. This isn’t fine. This is something else. You never told me how your day went yesterday. What happened?”

 

“Yesterday?” Jensen raises his eyebrows. “You really want to know?”

 

“Of course I do.”

 

“I never get to hear about your yesterdays.”

 

“All my days are the same.” Jared says simply.

 

Jensen waits for something more, but of course, that’s all Jared has to say on the matter. So he does the next best thing and starts talking about his day, an incredible shit storm that he can call yesterday. Maybe this will teach Jared to ask him about how his days go in the future.

 

“Let’s see…” Jensen starts off flatly, no real emotion. “Yesterday Lucy and I rolled in on a 415. Perez and Jenkins had these three guys against a wall, it got pretty jumpy but we all managed to get them in the car with only a few bruises but Lucy sprained her wrist. So I got to do the rest of my shift with a rookie who lost it over a D.B. and usually I can handle myself, but it was an old lady, probably been dead about five or six days and the smell got to me. I can still smell her today. Anyway. Then we get called downtown and arrested a prostitute turning tricks in her house and I had to carry her little girl out to the social worker and she was so upset, wouldn’t stop crying and her tears soaked right through my shirt. So naturally I wanted to punch her mother, but I didn’t and then my shift ended and I went home where my brother left me a bitchy message about how his nose still hurts and how mom wasn’t happy with me.”

 

Jared is staring at him, controlling the horror he probably feels and not letting it show. He presses his mouth to Jensen’s temple and gives him a kiss there. “I’m sorry, Jen. That’d make anyone sad.”

 

“Sorry that you asked?”

 

“No.” Jared quickly says. “No, you can always tell me. Anything.”

 

Jensen gives a short nod and leans back on his elbows. “Well. I feel better now.”

 

“Good. Me too.” Jared lets himself fall back on the blanket too, holding himself up on his hands and staring for a few seconds at Jensen’s face.

 

“What’d you looking at?”

 

Jared smiles at Jensen’s not amused voice and lays a small kiss on his nose. “Just looking at how handsome my boyfriend is.”

 

“What handsome?” Jensen wrinkles his nose, as if he doesn’t know how good-looking he is. “And wait, boyfriend? When did this happen?”

 

“Are you disagreeing with me?” Jared gives him a _look_ like Jensen is slow on the uptake and should already know this. Then he kisses him again, his tongue pushing right into Jensen’s mouth like it belongs there and all Jensen can do is shake his head, knowing he wouldn’t win if he were to argue with Jared because somehow, this man has him completely wrapped around his finger.

 

They stay like that for awhile, tangled together until Jared lets out a frustrated whine and moves to stand up. He pulls his t-shirt up over his head and drops it to the blanket, and then starts to strip off his cargo shorts and finally his tight black briefs, flinging them to Jensen’s chest.

 

Jensen thinks he’s about to get very lucky, but then Jared starts to back away. “Jared! What the hell are you doing?” He’s caught between yelling at him and laughing.

 

Jared doesn’t say anything and just makes a full run towards the lake and plunges in, bare ass on display and tight as ever, Jensen can’t help but notice. He comes up for air and shakes his wet hair like a dog.

 

“There’s no swimming here, Jay! And you can’t be naked in a state park!”

 

He dives under the water again and surfaces closer this time. “Take the day off, Ackles!”

 

“What if a park ranger comes!”

 

Jared is on his back now, floating and his skin is glistening from the sun. “Take your badge off for once. Not to mention all of your clothes. And you don’t have to be such a Marine about everything all the time, Jensen. Just…”

 

Jensen can hear him trailing off because Jared doesn’t know where Jensen went. He climbed up on some rocks and does a sleek swan dive down into the water. Naked. Jared yelps in surprise and then laughs, delighted that Jensen is joining him. They wrestle and play, dunking and splashing each other.

 

The water is cold but after some time, it warms Jensen’s blood and he swims closer to Jared, who wraps his arms around Jensen’s hips to hold him there. They float together and Jensen easily fits his legs around Jared’s waist, their dicks pressed heatedly together. Jared’s hands instantly go lower to grab at Jensen’s ass and it feels unbelievable.

 

Jensen leans in for a kiss, and at the last second Jared changes his mind and pulls back slightly.

 

“Someplace I’ve never been kissed before.”

 

It’s hard to concentrate when Jared’s fingers are slowly spreading him apart under the water, his hole starting to gape with the need to be filled. Jensen tries though and searches Jared’s face first, then his neck and shoulders. There’s a thin, pale scar on his otherwise golden tan skin that Jensen’s never noticed before. He tenderly kisses him there and Jared presses Jensen harder against him, mouth going slack and Jensen continues a path down the broken skin.

 

Now it’s Jensen who pulls back this time and gives a sheepish grin. He untangles himself and starts to swim back to shore.

 

“Where are you going?” Jared whines; wet strands of hair framing his face, eyes disbelieving that Jensen would leave him there in such an excited state. “I wasn’t done with you yet.” He tries to tug Jensen’s hand back but Jensen shakes his head. “God, is kissing in a state park forbidden too?”

 

“No, but fucking is.” Jensen says loudly. “And I think that’s what we’re about to do.” He laughs when Jared starts to run after him, water splashing everywhere and when he finally catches up he gives a playful pinch to the flesh of Jensen’s ass.

 

There’s lube and a condom in his backpack and Jensen motions for Jared to sit down on the blanket, which he does, dripping wet and naked, with his lower legs folded towards his body, crossing each other at the ankle and feet tucked under his thighs. He’s a perfect sculpture of a man and Jensen can’t wait to have him, to ride that pretty leaking cock and have a part of Jared deep inside him. He can already feel a phantom force nudging him open, knowing the strain will be intense, the ache stronger than Jensen can ever remember. He kneels so his knees are on either side of Jared’s hips and he presses the bottle of lube to his hand.

 

Jensen’s voice is raw, throat dry with nerves. “Stretch me? It’s been awhile.”

 

Jared can’t even say anything, just nods and takes it, skims his hands up and down Jensen’s thighs until the skin is warm. Fingertips find their way between Jensen’s legs and Jared gently cups around Jensen’s balls, fondling and teasing before sliding further back, determined and firmly pointed fingers pushing around the rim to open him up, spreading his hole but not dipping in yet. Jared takes his time and they kiss wide, tongues wet and Jensen moans hotly into Jared’s mouth as he continues play, rubbing at that spot over and over, as if he can’t get enough of touching Jensen here, that he’s allowed to after all this time.

 

Jensen bears down on Jared’s long fingers, trying to get them inside. He refocuses and goes back to kissing along the jagged thin scars around Jared’s neck. He can’t believe he’s never noticed them before. They’re thin though, a pale white and the healed skin only slightly raised. He questions Jared with his eyes and at the same time feels the burn of a finger finally slipping in.

 

“You gonna tell me how you got these?” Jensen asks lowly, afraid he’ll scare him away.

 

“I um…”

 

Jensen feels another finger enter in alongside the first and the strain is so good. “It’s okay, Jay. Still can’t talk to me, even two fingers deep?” It comes out gravely and Jensen knows that it’s passive aggressive, but god he’s totally gone on Jared, who is still a stranger to him. “It’s okay. Still want you, will always want you, no matter what.”

 

“Jensen…” Jared’s a little pissed, his eyes cinched in frustration. He figured it out; that Jensen’s trying to get something out of him when they’re both in a vulnerable position, but Jared’s also still turned on. Jensen distracts him with a hard kiss, full of twisting tongues and sharp, nipping teeth. Their lips are full and bitten pink and Jensen gasps as Jared’s fingers slide further in, not as slowly now and they begin to pump into him at a maddening pace, stretching him with two hands, one spreading his fleshy cheeks apart with other thrusting fingers until the tips push against his prostate.

 

“How long has it been? Huh?” Jensen gasps out as Jared hits that perfect spot, knuckles deep. “Since you’ve had someone like this? How long since you’ve made someone come, Jared?” They’re moving together so fluidly now, and Jared can only shake his head, grunts out something that sounds like, “Too long.”

 

When Jensen groans loudly, trying to push back even more, they both know it’s either now or it’ll be over too soon. Jared pulls his hand away, reaches for the condom and rolls it on quickly, looking over Jensen’s shoulder to line his dick up. Jensen sits back on his haunches, lets his knees do all the work as they lower his ass down on Jared’s thick straining cock. Their faces are too close not to be kissing and by the end of it, their mouths are sharing the heated breath mixed between them. Jensen’s riding Jared like a champ, slow and steady and Jared can hardly keep his eyes open to watch.

 

His hands scratch down Jensen’s back, down to his plump ass and fingers pry at where his dick is thrusting into his hole. He can’t seem to get enough, can’t believe he’s inside of Jensen and that thought alone makes Jensen come hard. His cock starts to convulse between them and his hole does the same around Jared’s cock, at the exact same pulse that come bursts onto his stomach.

 

“Oh god,” Jared pleads wildly suddenly finding his voice, little moans escaping between breaths. “You feel so good around me. Jensen. So fucking hot. So gorgeous. You have no idea.”

 

Jared finally opens his eyes wide when he comes, the expression on his face looking like pain but Jensen knows it’s from the pleasure, can feel sticky ropes of come fill the condom inside of him. As soon as Jared starts breathing normally again he kisses Jensen, pushing his tongue inside and licking all around his mouth until he throws his head back as Jensen bites along his neck, across the scars again and in the next second Jensen is flat on his back with Jared laying over him and kissing him deeply.

 

He pulls back, shifting to Jensen’s side and moves his hand to his own neck, feeling  along the raised ridges, pink now because Jensen couldn’t keep his sucking mouth off of the scars. “I guess I was in an accident. A long time ago.”

 

“You guess?”

 

“I don’t remember.”

 

That would explain a lot and Jensen nods, appreciating that Jared tried. He thought Jared might be mad, that Jensen pushed a little while they were having sex for the first time. It doesn’t feel like a first time with Jared though, it just feels like the start of a long lasting time together. Something comfortable and solid, something that Jensen doesn’t have to fight for anymore.

 

Jensen’s chest is still heaving slightly as his legs fall open. Jared teases open mouthed kisses down his body, sucks his soft cock into his mouth and as Jensen’s knees are pushed up towards his chest, he can only imagine what his hole looks like, puffy and open from Jared’s dick. And when Jared’s tongue goes there, soft licks and kisses turn into sucking around the rim, Jensen struggles against another orgasm, his whole body rippling with waves of satisfaction after only a few minutes of Jared’s talented tongue spearing deep inside of him. And while Jared’s attention is solely on Jensen, he rubs one off on the blanket, pumping out a weak trickle of come under his stomach.

 

They lay quiet and sated together after, enjoying the sun and breeze until they hear people off in the distance. Scrambling, both throw on clothes and pack it up, knowing this spot at the lake is now a special place to visit often in their future.

 

**

 

Jensen’s had a busy week and now that he can actually find the peace inside of himself to sleep, especially after talking to Jared for an hour on the phone in bed, it’s all he wants to do. Naps are amazing. Sometimes Jared joins him, they sprawl out on the bed or on the couch and lay with each other. Sometimes it leads to more and they both end up snoozing after intense orgasms. Sometimes they actually talk. Well, Jensen does most of the talking and Jared makes him feel better about the day he’s had. But right now it feels like forever since Jared’s had his hands on him.

 

So it’s safe to say that Jensen is excited about his date with Jared tonight, and he dresses up a little by wearing some black slacks and a blue button down shirt. Jared looks amazing as well, with nice tight jeans and a green polo shirt showing off his sculpted arms.

 

Jared seems to be excited too, especially as he traces the freckles on Jensen’s cheek softly as they kiss hello. “Wow.” Jensen says dumbly after he gets his breath back. He steps into Jared’s apartment for the first time since that day he followed him home. “This looks great.” There’s actual furniture now, a couch and a bed. A television and a coffee table, a coffee maker and pillows. There’re even curtains. Jensen doesn’t even have curtains.

 

“I got some new things,” Jared says excitedly. “Do you like it?”

 

“Yeah, Jared. This looks great…” Jensen must seem confused because Jared’s face falls.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

Jensen never likes to bring up money with someone he’s dating. It’s gotten him into deep shit before and it’s a sore subject for everyone. His curiosity wins out though because he can’t not ask, “Where’d all of this stuff come from? Did you have it all in storage or something?”

 

Jared shakes his head and runs his hand along the top of the new sofa, leaning against it and then pulling Jensen to him. “No, I bought it a few days ago. I got a good deal, it wasn’t that expensive.”

 

“Why’d you do that?” Jensen reaches up to circle Jared’s neck with his arms.

 

“I want you to be comfortable here.” Jared answers, his hands finding their way to Jensen’s hips. “I want you to like it here.”

 

Jensen smiles gently and says, “I do like it here. You’re here, remember? I just don’t want you to waste your money…”

 

“I have money.” Jared states, his tone firm. When Jensen just raises an eyebrow, he sighs and lets down his guard a bit. “I do, Jensen. I swear that I do. I had a lot in my savings account and finally used some of it.”

 

Jensen studies Jared’s face and believes him. “What were you saving for?”

 

“A future that changed.” It comes out sadly and Jensen watches as Jared stares for awhile, his eyes shifted downward and in his own world before he snaps out of it. “But I’m here with you now so it doesn’t matter.”

 

Jensen wants to say that it does matter and that they desperately need to talk about it. That if they want to move forward, like _really_ move forward in this relationship, then he needs to know everything. But what right does he have? It’s Jared’s life and he doesn’t owe Jensen anything. He just wants to know so badly, that constant nagging at the back of his mind to not trust Jared because of something he could be underneath the surface. Jensen’s already in too deep though, he knows that he’s in it for the long haul, for however long it’ll take Jared to open up.

 

“Oh and there’s something else,” Jared grins happily, pushing at Jensen’s hips for him to turn around.“And… well, meet Bob.”

 

“Bob?” Jensen expects there to be a man standing behind him. Instead there’s a dog and Jensen thinks it’s either a golden retriever or a yellow lab. He’s not too sure because there’s dirt and grime all over its fur.

 

“Don’t judge her yet. I tried to get the mud off her coat but it was a little too caked on. We’re going to the doggie day spa tomorrow afternoon.”

 

Jensen bends at the waist to look between the dogs legs. Sure as shit, it’s definitely a female. “Jared why would you name a girl dog Bob?”

 

“She told me that’s what her name is. I found her on the street, alone and starving. She’s so sweet!”

 

The smile is something else on Jared. He looks happy and alive, beautiful. Jensen wonders if the dog reminds Jared of himself.

 

“She told you what her name is?”

 

“Yeah!”

 

Jensen tilts his head. Just when he thinks he’s figure Jared out, he’s back to square one. “Okay. Well, can we go to eat now? I’m starving. I need some steak.”

 

“Yes, officer.” Jared teases, going into his bedroom. “Let me get my jacket, I’ll be right back. C’mon, Bob, you wanna help me?”

 

Jensen has to admit he likes it when Jared calls him that and thinks about trying to get Jared to call him officer later in bed as he wanders into the kitchen, runs his hand over the new coffee maker, wondering about drinking coffee here in the morning. It’s a very pleasant thought that makes his knees somewhat weak.

 

One of the silverware drawers is slightly open and Jensen pulls it out a little further to see what’s inside. Instead of shiny silver forks and spoons, like he was expecting, there’s a pile of old tools. Screwdrivers and wrenches, pliers and a few hammers are all scrambled together in the drawer. It’s odd, especially to have tools stored where the eating utensils go, but maybe it’s used as a junk drawer instead. Jensen opens another and there are more rusty tools there as well. In fact, there’s more in three other drawers… what the hell?

 

“What’re you doing?” Jared’s voice is clipped when he comes back into the room, now wearing a black blazer. He’s seriously mad and it’s the first time Jensen’s heard Jared lose a bit of his cool.

 

“Nothing! It was open and I--”

 

“You were what? Going through my shit?”

 

“Oh, but it’s okay for you to go through my stuff in my house?”

 

Jared starts to say something, but it falls short. “I’m sorry, okay? You’re the only one who’s ever been up here and…”

 

“And what?” Jensen urges. He has no idea what Jared wants to say but badly wants him to say something, anything.

 

“Nothing.” Jared takes in a deep breath, squaring his shoulders off. “Can we go? I’ve been looking forward to this all week.”

 

Jensen decides to let it go too and smiles tightly, disappointed their night got off to a rocky start. “Looking forward to some steak?”

 

“No.” He shakes his head and grabs onto Jensen’s hand. “Looking forward to spending some time with you.”

 

After that, dinner goes smoothly. They walk into town and pick a nice restaurant that Jensen’s never been to, which is difficult because he’s had a lot of crappy dates at nice places to eat. Over their second glass of red wine, Jared skillfully asks if Jensen is out at work. Jensen tries to explain that he is… kind of.

 

“Kinda? What does that mean?”

 

Jensen sits back in his chair, stretches his legs out under the table and he relaxes when Jared’s ankle rubs against his. “Well of course Lucy knows and the guys who have beats that are close to ours. Perez, Torres, Jenkins, Rodriguez….”

 

“What about your Lieutenant?”                

 

“Uh yeah, he knows. He kind of makes sure no one gives me a hard time about it. And if they do, and there’s been a few in the past, then they get transferred.”

 

“Really?” Jared looks surprised. He takes a sip of wine and puts his elbows on the table, leaning towards Jensen. “Why does he do that?”

 

“I guess he feels like he has to repay me.”

 

Jared just stares and Jensen knows he’ll have to spill eventually. At least he doesn’t have anything he needs to hide. “It was a long time ago, like my first month on the street. Lucy wasn’t even my partner yet. Anyway, these thugs held up a gas station and I was the first one to arrive. I thought I could sneak in the back way, but they caught me.” Jensen remembers the terror he had felt at the time, yet the controlled calm that came over him made him know he had chosen the right profession.

 

“I tried to negotiate with them and eventually traded myself for the hostages and of course, these guys thought having a cop would be more beneficial. So they let them go, two ladies and an older gentleman. One of the ladies was the lieutenant’s wife. Said she never been so scared in her life and couldn’t believe it when I said I’d take their place. I didn’t know who she was at the time but I’d do it again in heartbeat.”

 

There’s a few seconds of silence and then Jared says, “You’re a hero, Jen. And you don’t even realize it.” He reaches across the table for Jensen’s hand, threading their fingers together.

 

“Any cop would do the same.” It’s true, Jensen thinks. He didn’t do anything special.

 

“You’re not just any cop, Jen. You’re…”

 

“I’m what?”

 

“Amazing. Brave. Wonderful. Smart.” Jared says, flustered but it’s obvious he believes that Jensen is all of those things. He blushes high in his cheeks and presses on to say more, but he can’t seem to find the words. “Are you done? I’m stuffed. Let’s walk a little, okay?”

 

Jensen agrees and Jared pays the bill. Where he gets all of his money is beyond Jensen’s comprehension and he doesn’t want to waste time trying to figure it out. He thinks about what Jared had told him earlier, about the savings account that he must’ve never used. There seems to be more questions that never give way to answers.

 

It’s nice out and the sky is dark as they walk down the busy street. There are mostly restaurants and bars on the block, bustling and thriving with good energy. Jared’s fingers tangle with Jensen’s, brush against them ever so slightly and they both wish they weren’t in such a public place.

 

As people pass by, Jared nods his head or gives a warm smile. Sometimes he even says, “Hi” or “Hello” to these random people and it makes Jensen feel odd to be with someone so nice when, at some of his best times, the only way to describe himself would be grouchy.

 

“You should try it.” Jared leans down and whispers to Jensen. “It’s fun. People aren’t as bad as you think or as bad as what you deal with every day.”

 

Maybe Jared is right. Jensen tries to make eye contact with an older lady as he walks past her and feels silly when he gives her a greeting. She doesn’t seem mad by it though and Jared was right, it does feel kind of good to go out of his way.

 

Jared stops walking suddenly, without saying anything and Jensen doesn’t notice until he’s a few steps away. He walks back and looks at the sign over the door. It’s a jazz bar, music filling their ears as a nice looking couple steps out.

 

“You like jazz?” Jensen asks, seeing the recognition of the music in Jared’s eyes. What he can’t figure out is why Jared looks like a deer in headlights. “C’mon, let’s go in.” He gives Jared’s elbow a tug and opens the door. The atmosphere is nice and Jensen instantly likes the place. It’s smooth and mellow, the music a nice beat after a long week.

 

There’s an empty table near the stage and Jensen makes his way to the dark corner, pulling out the wooden chairs for both him and Jared to sit down. He waves the waitress away, doesn’t think they’ll stay too long to have much of a drink and he is already feeling the wine from dinner.

 

Jared sits stiffly for a few moments until Jensen drapes his arm along the back of the chair and pulls Jared in. That gets Jared’s attention, and he smiles, finally seeming to relax. Jensen watches the cute couples on the dance floor, some older and some younger, moving slowly to music while Jared’s eyes are glued to the band. There’s a piano player and a guy on a saxophone, and a small drum set in the back. These guys have been playing together for a long time, Jensen can just tell.

 

They stay for about three songs before Jared really starts to enjoy himself. Jensen doesn’t know what he’s working out in his head, but some screws must be turning in there, tightening loose ends and hopefully laying a steady foundation for them to walk on. Under the table, Jared’s fingers move up and down the length of Jensen’s thigh, squeezing occasionally through the material of his pants.

 

When the band takes a break, he leans over and whispers in Jensen’s ear, “I wish we could dance.”

 

Jensen laughs softly and shakes his head. “I think this is perfect.”

 

They share a deep gaze and the music starts up again, an upbeat tempo this time but still an earthy type of blues that Jensen really likes. He wiggles in his seat a little, foot tapping and hips swaying even though he’s sitting and Jared looks impressed because Jensen is making an outright fool of himself. But it’s fun and playful and hell, he’s earned it. Jared presses his nose to Jensen’s throat and can feel the smile on his warmed skin.

 

They end up staying a lot longer than Jensen had originally thought. He’s tired now, but really happy and can’t wait to get back to Jared’s and into bed. The crowd has thinned a bit and the band is finishing up. Jared and Jensen applaud and suddenly Jared is standing, side stepping around the table as he goes to talk to the piano player. Jensen’s a little confused and sits back down, not really sure what’s going on.

 

The musician nods at whatever Jared is telling him and points to a corner of the stage. There’s a big black case and Jared moves to open it, and then pulls out a shiny golden trumpet. Jensen’s confusion changes into curiosity as he watches Jared sit on the edge of the stage without a hint of nervousness and puts the instrument to his lips, long fingers at the horn.

 

**[](http://uploads3.mp3songurls.com/1345581.mp3)  
**

He plays the most striking song Jensen has ever heard. And he’s good.  A professional. And at last there is a piece to the puzzle. A piece to his heart that he’s finally opening up.  It’s exhilarating for both of them. Jensen’s smile fades into something more serious, like he wants Jared to see what this means to him. How much he appreciates it.

 

Jared looks to him briefly as he plays, focused on the instrument in his hands, but when they do look at each other it’s intense. His eyes close again, falling into the beauty of the music. It goes on like this for a few more minutes and when the song ends, there’s a standing applause from the few people left. Jensen smiles proudly at him as they leave the club, fingers brushing together again.

 

As soon as they’re outside, Jensen beams with a huge grin. “You never said you played anything, and especially never mentioned that you could play like that.”

 

“I wasn’t sure I had it in me.” Jared blinks, like he’s trying to figure out exactly what he just did, as if he’s clearing his hazy mind to clearer thoughts. He’s excited too though, Jensen can feel the bolts of a thrill make his fingers shake as they touch, but Jared remains just as composed as always.

 

“Padalecki? Yo! Padalecki, is that you, man?”

 

Jared turns to walk down the street and Jensen does as well, the name not meaning anything to him until—

 

“Jared!”

 

Jared turns now and looks coldly at the man who chased him out of the club. “You’ve mistaken me for someone else.”

 

“What?” The short guy seems really confused. He has a cigar hanging from his mouth and smells like smoke, and his head is bald but he looks nice enough. “Jared, I’d know that sound from anywhere. You’re Jared Padalecki. And, well.” The guy looks Jared up and down, stating the obvious that he’s tall as fuck. “You’re not that hard to miss, am I right?”

 

“I’m sorry.” Jared says and starts again down the street. Jensen doesn’t have a choice but to go after him and shrugs his shoulder to the man they leave at the door step of the bar.

 

“Um… did you know that guy?” Jensen asks when they’ve walked down a block. He really doesn’t want to ruin the mood, but he has to ask.

 

“No.”

 

“Jared, if you’re in trouble or something… if you owe that guy some money, I could help you.”

 

“Jensen? I don’t know him. Please just drop it.”

 

Nodding, Jensen doesn’t argue and they stroll along towards Jared’s apartment. They’ve entered in what isn’t the best of neighborhoods, but Jensen is packing so he isn’t that concerned. He’s also still lost in the music playing in his ears, that Jared had unraveled a bit in front of him tonight. “That song was… unreal.”

 

Jared spares him a glance, smiles a little. “You liked it?”

 

“Yeah, Jay. Sometimes you don’t realize how amazing you are, ya know?” Jensen repeats the words from dinner, only directs them towards the other man. “But don’t worry, I’m gonna be here to remind you from now on.”

 

Jared full on stops and takes a look around at where they are standing. They’re in a small alley way, nothing more than a shadowed wall with graffiti on it. He pushes Jensen towards the corner, thumbs pressing into his neck and fingers tilting his chin up for a kiss. It’s like he couldn’t take another step without having him and Jensen tries to control the impulse to moan loudly. But it’s late and there’s no one around, and they let their tongues push together, slip and flick inside Jared’s mouth, stroking each other’s back and grabbing at any skin they can get their hands on.

 

Jensen can see the flash of lights behind his closed eyelids and knows right away what the red and blue colors mean, especially after the chirp of the siren.

 

“Hey! Move it along over there!”

 

“You’ve gotta be kidding me…” Jensen reaches into his back pocket for his badge. As soon as he holds it up, he can hear Perez starting to laugh through the small electronic bull horn they keep in the squad cars.

 

“Ackles! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

 

“Didn’t know you had this beat tonight.” Jensen grumbles, a playful annoyance in his voice.

 

“Ey, is that Jared over there? Jared! You in any danger, buddy?”

 

“Go away!” Jensen calls out.

 

Jared chuckles and starts to turn. He shields his eyes with a hand against the bright lights and doesn’t seem to mind the interruption, especially at Jensen’s expense.

 

“Let the man answer for himself, please.” Perez scolds.

 

“Everything’s code four over here, officer!” Jared shouts out, grinning down at Jensen. “You can go away now.”

 

Jensen laughs loudly and makes his way to the police car. He’s in too good of a mood to be embarrassed.

 

“You wanna ride home?” Perez asks with a friendly smile. His K-9 barks once, really loudly from the back of the car.

 

“We’re good, thanks though.” Jensen says. “Jared’s is just a few blocks down.”

 

“Okay, okay. Sorry to ruin… well, never mind. See you at the station, Ackles.”

 

They both wave as he drives off and Jensen apologizes. Jared finally takes Jensen’s hand in his and leads them away. “You can make it up to me in bed.”

 

**

 

He does. They stay in bed for Jensen’s two days off, mostly naked the entire time. Not thinking about anything important and putting everything on hold that exists in the outside world. No problems, no secrets, just them and it couldn’t be better.

 

In the morning Jensen is completely sprawled out in Jared’s bed, shamelessly with not even a pair of briefs on when Jared strokes a hand down his smooth back. The sunlight is bright in the apartment, with large windows that are almost ceiling high in the bedroom. Jensen doesn’t feel exposed under the light or Jared’s careful eye. He feels loved and cared for, and it’s not something he’s used to yet.

 

“Did you know that you have bruises all down your back?” Jared complains as he shifts to his knees to get a better look. He seems miffed that Jensen failed to tell him something that must’ve happened.

 

Jensen stretches and shifts his knee up, ass very much on open display. “Oh yeah. I had to tackle a guy in a batman suit the other day.”

 

“Do I want to know?”

 

“Probably not. He tried to steal a purse from a grandma and ran. Lucy tripped over his cape. It was a pretty bad scene.”

 

“So by bad, you mean funny?” Jared guesses, moving to grab rubbing oil and dripping some down Jensen’s spine.

 

“You could say that.”Jensen rests his head on the pillow and lets Jared work his magic hands. “That feels really good.”

 

By the bed side lamp, his cell phone beeps a new email alert. Jared gives him a slap to the ass when Jensen reaches for it. “Just let me, really fast…” Jensen looks at his phone and tosses it back down once he’s read the message.

 

“What was it?” Jared starts again, this time laying down and working Jensen’s lower back, his nose and mouth against the soft curve of Jensen’s spine, the soft spot that he just can’t seem to get enough of.

 

“Everyone else gets an invitation in the mail for my parent’s vow renewal thing. I get a damn e-vite.” Jensen mumbles. “Ain’t no damn glitter in an email. Ow!”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“No, it’s good. Go deeper.” Jensen lets a small moan slip out as Jared rubs a particular sore spot.

 

There’s more rubbing until Jared notices another bruise on Jensen’s hip. “Jesus. How heavy was this guy?”

 

“Like a truck.” Jensen answers. “The pavement wasn’t too soft either.”

 

“Jensen, you need to be careful.”

 

“Oh no, don’t go into that mode.” Jensen wiggles out of Jared’s grasp and flips to his back, needing to have this conversation face to face. “That protective mode where you get all controlling about what I do. This is my job. I love my job. Yes, it’s dangerous. Yes, something bad could happen. But if you can’t handle that then…”

 

Jared moves up to where Jensen’s mouth is going off and presses a kiss there. “I’m sorry, okay? I won’t express my concern for you ever again.”

 

Jensen just sighs, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. And then the severe reality of this hits him. Jared’s never given him any doubt before that he didn’t like Jensen’s job and now that it could be a possibility, it doesn’t sit well with Jensen at all. It makes him sick to even think about it. “Can you seriously handle it, Jared? Because I need to know. And seriously, no bullshitting me around. Not about this.”

 

“What if I couldn’t handle it?” Jared’s testing him now, Jensen can feel it. He put his chin on Jensen’s shoulder and his hazel eyes glitter with a vagueness that Jensen can’t pinpoint, even about this. It’s frustrating as all hell.

 

Jensen blinks hard and searches Jared’s face for any sign that he’s serious. He can’t tell anything. “I’d make you.”

 

“Yeah?” This seems to please Jared a bit. “You think you could make me?”

 

“I think that I can be very convincing.” Jensen bites his bottom lip, barely containing a grin when Jared’s eyes go hungry. “I’m good at negotiating, remember?”

 

“How could I forget?” Jared presses their lips together and starts to massage down Jensen’s chest and arms.  “So are you gonna go to the vow renewal?” He tries to change the subject to a more even ground. “Is it at a church?”

 

“I don’t know, haven’t put much thought into it.” Jensen lies.

 

“Why not?”

 

He doesn’t answer and Jared keeps on rubbing. After a quiet minute he adds, “It’s been pretty bad with my family for a long time. I doubt they want me there.”

 

“Oh… bad how?” Jared pries gently. He kisses a path across Jensen’s shoulder and collarbone, ending at his mouth.

 

Jensen sighs, disgruntled that they’re finally talking about this. Eventually Jared will have to know though and again, he seems to be the one doing all of the talking. “My dad used to knock me and Josh around when we were kids, nothing too bad at first, just a slap to the mouth or ass if we got outta control. But especially when I was a teenager and after I came out, well then he really came after me. And then I got too big and strong, started playing football and he couldn’t touch me anymore. So he went after my mom. I called the cops one night and had him arrested.”

 

The room goes quiet, really quiet and Jensen can’t stand to look at Jared right now, afraid of what he’ll see. The disgust and shame he feels when saying it out loud is nothing compared to the actual memory. Jared must know it because Jensen feels his chin being turned by Jared’s tender touch. “Keep going.”

 

“There’s not much else.” Jensen moves down into the bed and meets Jared’s eyes. “My brother said I went against the family and mom agreed. Pretty fucked up, huh? And dad was always drunk so I don’t know if it was the booze. Mom said he hasn’t had a drop in a long time, and I guess I’m afraid to find out if he’s really like that or if it was the alcohol.”

 

Jared’s finger swoops under and over Jensen’s nose and down his cheek in the most soothing motion. “Well, it sounds like your parents invited you. He must want you to be there. Maybe he’s changed.”

 

Jensen clears his throat, not wanting to talk about it anymore. “I guess. You have to admit though, my family is fucked up.”

 

“Family is a door you don’t close.”

 

“I didn’t close it.” Jensen almost lets himself get defensive and decides it wouldn’t help anything.

 

“You will though, if you don’t go.” Jared tells him. “Family invites you, you go. Family shows up at your door, you welcome them in.”

 

“And if they don’t deserve it?”

 

“Then you forgive.” And with that, Jared pushes himself up on his elbows to give Jensen a lazy, deep kiss which effectively disables Jensen to respond, even if he wanted to. He’d rather have this though, to have Jared with him and talking about something that he’s been keeping inside for so long. Kissing isn’t so bad either.

 

Jared bites and nibbles at Jensen’s lips, hard and playful, until they’re both lost in each other. Jared gets up though, before Jensen can protest and scoots off the bed. “Don’t move. I’ll be right back.”

 

Jensen couldn’t get up even if he tried, too drunk from kisses and the mattress jumps from the loss of Jared’s weight.

He hears Jared in the other room, talk to Bob for a few seconds and then more rustling around. Jared only had a pair of briefs on when he left and he still has them on when he walks back into the bedroom, but now there’s something silver sticking out from the waistband. As he comes closer, kneeing on the bed and crawling over Jensen’s body, it becomes clear that it’s the pair of handcuffs Jensen had left on the kitchen counter, along with his gun when they came home from their date the other night.

 

Jensen saw Jared looking at his cuffs and gun yesterday when they were making lunch, but he had no idea it was because of a kink, not just something dangerous in his house that he wasn’t used to being around.

 

“Can I help you with those?” Jensen says with a teasing smile. He can’t help but to be surprised by Jared’s forwardness, exhilaration making his belly flip with anticipation.

 

“I think you’ve been bad, Officer Ackles. I might have to lock you up.” It’s horrible dirty talk and they both burst out in laughter. Jared’s face turns red, but it still doesn’t stop him from grabbing the handcuffs out from his underwear. He’s practically straddling Jensen’s lap, ass to groin and Jensen’s sure that Jared can feel him getting hard.

 

Jared finds one of Jensen’s wrists and clasps a cuff around it, locking it in place all while looking at Jensen’s face closely. Jensen doesn’t say anything, just watches with a heated gaze as Jared fumbles with what to do next.

 

“You really gonna let me lock you up?” He asks with some doubt. Jared knows him too well, knows that Jensen wouldn’t be comfortable giving up complete control.

 

“You’ve gone this far.” Jensen murmurs, but it’s strong and confident. He trusts Jared not to hurt him or go over the edge.

 

Jared smiles and shakes his head, like he can’t believe how far Jensen’s willing to go. “You’re too good to me.” He guides Jensen’s cuffed hand up and locks the other side of the cuffs to the headboard, leaving Jensen’s left arm free. “Maybe one day I’ll lock both hands up,” Jared says, now going for a condom and the bottle of lube on the nightstand. “But for right now, this is plenty. More than enough.” There’s praise in his voice, proud that Jensen let him do even this.

 

Making quick work of his briefs now, Jared is naked and is still straddling Jensen’s hips, but now he moves down slightly to Jensen’s thighs. There’s no words that can escape Jensen as Jared begins to put the condom on Jensen’s shaft, stroking it firmly afterwards and coating it with generous amounts of slick. He stands on his knees and reaches behind him, fingers working and Jensen wants nothing more than to watch the show.

 

He’s locked down though and can’t move much, doesn’t want to even if he could. All he can do is lie there until Jared’s done fucking himself open on his own fingers. It doesn’t take long though, especially with Jensen’s free hand rubbing across Jared’s nipples, stopping to pinch and rake his nails over the sensitive nubs and then over the bulk of his chest, arms and shoulders, his muscles huge and solid. His stomach is impressively flat, his hips drawn at a narrow sexy point. Jared shifts again, raising one foot flat on the bed as he takes hold of Jensen’s throbbing dick and guides the head in.

 

“I have something to tell you.”

 

Jensen can’t believe how serious Jared sounds with only a slight strain in his voice. “Right now?” He moans, his free arm now finding Jared’s hand and holding on for balance as Jared sinks down slowly, inch by inch of Jensen’s cock disappearing inside of him.

 

With a strangled puff of air, Jared nods, his face contorting into bliss as he relaxes a little, his hole opening and letting more of Jensen in. “That day you were almost shot…” Jared lets his knees fall more apart, dropping down even faster. “I wasn’t going to get groceries. I saw you across the street when you drove up in front of that jewelry store.” He pulls up now, squeezing around the shaft with his inner muscles until just the head is inside. “Knew I had to meet you. Knew you might be in trouble.” His hips begin to swivel now, and down he goes again until he bottoms out, flesh on flesh.

 

“Fuck you, Jared.” Jensen rages, anger and love mixed all into one emotion. "You followed me that day?”

 

“I couldn’t help it. I’m sorry, knew you’d be pissed.” He’s moving now, fucking himself on Jensen’s cock and the thrusts are deep, needy and desperate. Jensen is pissed, he’s fucking furious and Jared’s trying to make it up to him by fucking his brains out.

 

And oh god, does it work. They’re sweating and sticky, Jared’s cock bobbing up and down as he gets his balance, pounds back and down, slapping sounds echoing in the bedroom as they climb towards their orgasms and Jensen can tell Jared wants to slow it down, that it’s going too fast but they’ve already crossed the line, come sputtering from Jared’s dick and painting Jensen’s bellybutton.

 

Jensen continues to fuck Jared senseless. With every thrust of his hips, he drives his cock in deep and hard, making Jared’s mouth hang open and his eyes scrunch shut. And he deserves it, goddamnit, he deserves everything Jensen will give to him and a hundred times more.

 

“Never put your life in danger like that.” Jensen knows that Jared’s prostate must be over stimulated, but he can’t stop until he gets this out. “Never again, you understand me?”

 

Jared nods, helplessly and Jensen watches as his soft cock tries to stand again.

 

“Say it. Out loud.”

 

“Never, Jensen. I won’t again.”

 

With those words, Jensen feels his dick become even harder and then explode his release. He rocks his hips, pushes his feet up on the bed to try and stay inside of Jared for as long as possible. “Fuck yeah, damn right you won’t.” He breathes out; jumbling his speech so bad Jared probably doesn’t even understand him.

 

Afterwards, Jared threatens to not let Jensen go if he’ll be mad and Jensen just has to shoot him a glare for the keys to come out. As another peace offering and as soon as they’re ready for a second round, Jared sucks Jensen into his mouth. It’s a slow blow job, tongue and fingers all very much in play and Jensen is a whimpering mess when he’s done. He returns the favor after he gets his breath and swallows Jared’s come easily.

 

When they’re walking Bob an hour or two later, Jared catches Jensen licking his lips every few seconds. When he asks him why and offers some chapstick, Jensen shakes his head, says that he likes the taste of Jared on his tongue and lips throughout the day. It’s all Jensen can do from keeping his wrist from bruising as Jared hurries them back upstairs and in bed again.

 

**

 

Jensen dreads going into work.

 

Padalecki. He has a last name now, and he’s not sure after all this time, he really wants to know. The name has been echoing in his head ever since he heard it, over and over again and finally Jensen is in front of his computer, knowing that he has to type the name in.

 

He makes sure it’s after his shift so there’s not too many people around, pulls up the search program and types Jared’s full name. Memories flood Jensen’s mind like waves crashing in a hurricane. Jared was never listed under the conviction profiles because he’s not a criminal.

 

He’s a survivor.

 

It’s like Jensen is transported to that night on the bridge all over again. He can feel the rain soaking his uniform, hears the sirens blearing in his head and the lights flashing brightly every time his eyes close.

 

He can’t believe he forgot.

 

There’s a picture of the accident and the car smashed beyond repair. It’s a miracle that Jared wasn’t killed and there’s a picture of him too, bloodied in an ambulance, all of his injuries categorized and listed. His chest and neck got most of it, where the scars are today.

 

There’s a photo of the truck driver who hit Jared’s car. It was determined by the large swerve that the guy probably fell asleep at the wheel. He was dead on arrival.

 

Jensen hits the down key and nothing else comes up except for an address. He stares at it for a long time and has the numbers and street name memorized after awhile. He doesn’t know how long he sits there, but the sky has fallen dark by the time he leaves the station, only one destination in his mind.

 

He has to see for himself what Jared left behind. He has to see if he’s worth everything Jared has walked away from in his past life.

 

The house isn’t old but it’s incredibly dreary. Jensen has to use a flashlight because there’s no power, vines overgrown all over the yard and weeds in place of where bright flowers used to grow. It’s easy to break in the front door, the wood giving way after a hard push from his shoulder.

 

It’s shocking how Jared’s presence is all around the house and yet Jensen still can’t recognize his things because he’s still so shut off. There are some Star Wars books on a shelf that look really old, the covers torn and faded. Jensen can only guess that they belong to Jared and wishes that they had talked more about the movie, something Jared must really like. There’s also an old trumpet stand in the corner of the front room, covered in a thick layer of dust. Jensen can almost see how it was once a shiny gold, played almost every day. It’s really the only thing that screams Jared, everything else is foreign.

 

There are pictures too, of Jared and who Jensen can only guess was his long term partner. They probably even considered each other as husbands, especially if the photo of them in tuxedos and eating cake is anything to go by. All Jensen can think about is how handsome and happy he seemed, how much Jared must have loved that man.

 

Jensen doesn’t remember his name, but he does remember that, along with the truck driver, he was also DOA.

 

The flashlight dances over a construction belt filled with tools and a hard hat, half rolled up blue prints are sprawled across the kitchen table and Jensen guesses that Jared’s partner must’ve been an architect. When he looks closer, the prints are of a large house, a penciled in arrow pointing to a room marking it ‘Jared’s music room’ and Jensen’s heart sinks. Jared must have been saving all of his money for this dream home with his partner.

 

Underneath a few loose piles of papers, Jensen reads the words _Adoption Agency_ and immediately clicks off the flashlight. He stands there in the dark until the smell of musk and dirt overwhelms him and he needs to get out before he throws up.

 

He’s seen enough and he knows what happened. He remembers now, remembers being with Jared as he tried to call for a paramedic, that Jensen never prays but that night, as he drove home he did pray for the stranger in the smashed up car.

 

At the time, Jensen was fairly sure Jared wasn’t going to make it.

 

He’s never been so thankful in his entire life.

 

**

 

Jensen goes straight to the gym after that, needing to work things out in his mind. Does Jared know who he is? Does he know Jensen was there with him? Why didn’t he say anything about the accident? Why was it kept as such a big secret?

 

Too many questions and Jensen has no answers. He’s scared that Jared will walk away from him if he says something, but they can’t go on like this forever. Jared has a past and he needs to be able to talk about it if they’re ever going to have a future together. He needs to be honest with Jensen and himself about what happened and be able to move on. Obviously Jared’s actions prove that he’s still wounded, still in mourning from his loss, and Jensen’s surprised as shit that Jared would even let him in.

 

After about an hour on the treadmill, Jensen decides that he’s going to face this head on. There’s no other way around it. He hopes Jared will be able to handle everything and isn’t really sure what to expect.

 

He leaves a message on Jared’s voicemail, which is odd because usually Jared always answers his phone, and tells him to meet Jensen on the corner of Westwood and Heeder the next morning.

 

The rest of that night Jensen is in a daze, his stomach is knotted and he wonders if he’s making a mistake. He doesn’t want to lose Jared, that’s the last thing he would ever want. At the same time he wants to be with this man, the real him and he can’t do that until Jared faces his ghosts.

 

Morning comes far too fast and Jensen pulls his jeep around to a wide parking space. Jared is there, smiling and has two coffee’s in his hand.

 

“Hey, babe! I got your message, I’m sorry I didn’t pick up.” Jared leans in for a quick kiss on the cheek as Jensen approaches. “I was practicing.”

 

“Yeah, practicing what?” Jensen asks, taking a sip of coffee. Black, just how he likes it.

 

“You know…” Jared plays a little air trumpet, long fingers moving gracefully.

 

That would normally please Jensen, but right now he’s too nervous to comment on it. “Can we walk a little?” He points down the street and Jared nods with an odd look on his face. Jensen leads him the direction he wants to go with a gentle push to Jared’s arm.

 

“You going to tell me where we’re headed?”

 

Jensen doesn’t answer, just keeps walking. The sun is beating down on his face and he has to squint a little, his eyes sensitive to the bright light.

 

“Okay, that’s all right.” Jared swallows, sweat starting to bead down his temple. “You don’t have to tell me… I’d go anywhere with you, Jen. Snow fishing, shark infested waters… the mall on a Saturday. Just about any…” Jared stops when he looks across the street and down half a block. He sees the cemetery; it has a brick fence around the edges with an ivy covered iron gate. There’s also a small church to the right of the graveyard and it’s actually really pretty, with tall trees and plenty of flowers all over the grounds. Jared quickly looks away and Jensen can see the growing agitation.

 

“You can trust me, you know?” Jensen starts out. He grabs onto Jared’s hand, not really caring who is around right now as they move slowly down the block. “Remember how I held onto you that night? Just like I’m doing right now?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“The accident, Jared. I was there.”

 

Jared yanks his hand away. He’s shocked and pissed off, his coffee is forgotten sitting on a fence post. There are people coming out from the church now, dressed in their Sunday best. They look happy, together with their families. “I just… well, I’m wondering why you won’t talk about it. What makes it so unspeakable, Jared?”

 

He’s shutting down, Jensen can see it and he doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know if Jared is hearing him.

 

“Is it because you were driving?” Jensen asks softly. Jared turns away and closes his eyes, still silent. “Because I read the reports. It wasn’t your fault. You know that, right? Or is it because you survived and he didn’t?” Jensen reaches out for his hand again, tries to pull him gently towards the cemetery. “Let’s just go in there. We’ll do it together. You can talk to him, say goodbye or tell him that you love him or whatever you want…”

 

Jared pulls his hand away again, this time more fiercely, a layer of pain in his eyes stormed over by rage. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Jensen? Why are you doing this?”

 

“To help you,” Jensen says calmly. “I remember that night, Jared. You must’ve been so scared. You were bleeding and I couldn’t stop it.” Jensen’s fingers find the ends of Jared’s soft hair, lightly tugging the long strands. “You had short hair back then. I didn’t recognize you, even after all this time.”

 

Jared catches Jensen’s hand to move it away from his face. “I had to grow it out to cover the scars on my scalp.” He explains sadly. “And I recognized you right away. The day at the jewelry store, I knew who you were. Like an angel, I didn’t think you were real at first. And I remembered your eyes most of all.” He presses his hand along Jensen’s cheek, his thumb moving under the delicate skin under his eyes. “They’re so beautiful. I couldn’t forget them even if I wanted to. Do you remember what you said to me?”

 

Jensen shakes his head, has no idea what would’ve come out of his mouth that night.

 

“You told me to stay with you, Jensen. And that’s all I want to do.”

 

“Jared.” Jensen isn’t too proud to beg. “Please, just let me help you.”

 

Jensen shakes his head, another plea for him to understand. “You and me? We’re not fine, Jay. No matter how much you want to pretend. You can’t keep shutting me out. You pretend nothing happened. You walk around all day, doing god knows what, just so you don’t have to face reality.”

 

Jared gets in Jensen’s face, his jaw clenching in anger. “That’s not true. I’m not pretending.”

 

“Then why? Why do go out of your way for people you don’t even know? Why do wander around town all day?”

 

Jared looks shaken again, now that the question is out there, and he doesn’t know how to answer. “I just… I didn’t want to experience anything without - ” Jared swallows thickly and it's obvious that he doesn’t want to say his dead husband’s name. “He was gone so I did the best I could just to get through the day.” He starts to stare off again, but remembers that Jensen is there; looking at him and it keeps him grounded in the moment. “It was just easier instead of moving on and helping people made me forget sometimes. And then I met you…”

 

Jensen waits for him to continue, but it never comes. “And then what? What changed?”

 

“I could, I don’t know, start to--” Jared’s eyes are filled with water, but a tear never drops. It just hovers at the edge until he brushes it away. “I started to feel again. And maybe I wasn’t ready for it, but Jensen, I’m trying.”

 

Jensen takes a step closer, so close that his nose grazes along Jared’s jaw line. “Why weren’t you ready, Jared? Is it because you’re still in love with him?” Jensen makes sure his voice is steady and low, without a trace of anger. “Because it’s okay if you are. I get that, I understand and I know that it hurts. He’ll always be a part of your life. But you can’t feel guilty for moving on. It’s not your fault that you got to live and your partner had to die.” Jensen points to the cemetery. “Please, let’s just walk in there together.”

 

Jared can’t even look in the direction.

 

“Walk in there and I’ll be right there with you. You walk in there and it becomes real, Jared. What happened is real.”

 

“Fuck you. Don’t talk about something you don’t know.”

 

Jensen sucks in a breath and lets it out slowly, hoping he doesn’t scare Jared away with being truthful. “What I do know is this. I want a life and a future with you, more than anything in the world. I’ve been waiting for someone like you-” Jensen lightly wraps his fingers around Jared’s neck to force his eyes down to his own. “Forever. And I’ve finally found you. And it just pains me to see that you're not complete, that you're still holding back because of this tragedy and that you can't move on. A part of you still needs to heal and not being able to deal with this, it’s holding us back. You’re allowed to move on. You would want your husband to be happy if everything was reversed, right? If he wanted to find someone to be with? Do you understand that?”

 

Jared starts to crumble, right there on the street. “Damn you, Jensen. Why won’t you just stop?”

 

“So you can have a life again.” It’s all Jensen wants, a life for them together, and he knows that there’s no moving forward until Jared faces his past. “Because it did happen, Jay. And I’m so sorry that it did…”

 

“Please, Jensen. Let’s just not do this. Let’s just go on how we have been. It’s all I want.” He takes Jensen’s hand now, insistent. “Please, Jen. I’m asking you to do this for me.”

 

Jensen shakes his head. “I’m sorry. I can’t do that.”

 

“Why not?” He looks grief-stricken, with his eyes watering even more now and wretched creases on his forehead.

 

“I want you too much. I want everything with you. I want to know everything about you. All of you and not just the part who is hiding and running away. I want to love you.”

 

Jared eyes go blank, dead again. “I don’t understand why you’re pushing me so hard. Why does it have to be your way? This is who I am. This is the way I choose to be.”

 

“Not anymore.” Jensen steps in closer, hopes he can get his point across. “It doesn’t have to be this way because you’re not alone. We’re family now. We’re together. You and me.”

 

“You just push and push,” Jared says, not hearing him and shaking his head. “Don’t you? You just have to push me away. Make it right for you, not what’s right for me. You like to push people, Jen. You pushed your own family away, didn’t you?”

 

And that stings. Jensen has to take a minute before he can continue and he shoves through quietly before his voice breaks. “I just…. want to say…”

 

“You’ve already said it.” Jared can’t even look at him, staring into the distance. “There’s nothing more to say.”

 

“That when you’re ready.” Jensen ignores him. “I’ll be there for you. I’ll be waiting for you and I do, Jay. I really do love you. I just wanted to say that.” He walks away and before he turns the corner again, he glances back to Jared who is still standing there, straight and frozen. He’s coming apart and Jensen knows that he needs him. It hurts as he has to walk away from the man he loves.

 

**

 

It’s all Jensen can do to get through the rest of the day, after having a sleepless night worrying about Jared and if what they have is over. He has no business being at work in the morning, but at least it’ll help take his mind off of everything.

 

Lucy drags Jensen out to the rib joint that night after their shift is over.

 

“Okay, spill.” She says, some sauce on her lips. “You were a nightmare today. What’s up?”

 

“Well, I guess it’s a mix of things, Luc. Life is shit, but I’m dating this great dead guy.”

 

Lucy presses a napkin to her mouth like a lady and then lets out a small burp. “Look, whatever Jared’s deal is? He’s not the same guy we met a couple weeks ago.”

 

“How do you know?”

 

She gives a small smile, like he’s completely clueless. “You talk about him all the time, Jensen. He’s changing and that’s because of you. Give yourself some credit. You’re helping him. And just in case you didn’t notice? You’ve been happier too. It’s like you got your spark back. Which has made my job a whole helluva lot easier.”

 

“Yeah well.” Jensen dismisses quickly what she says about his spark, because the truth is, he has noticed too. “Maybe he just felt close to me because of the accident. Maybe he’s paying me back for helping him.”

 

“You’re such an idiot.”

 

“Whatever.” Jensen scoffs. “He probably hates me now.”

 

“Why do you think that?”

 

And now that he has to tell someone, Jensen questions if what he did was the right thing. Maybe Jared has a point; maybe he did push too hard. “I took him to the cemetery.”

 

Lucy cringes. “Didn’t go so well?”

 

“Not at all.”

 

“Well, I’m sure it was hard for him. He’ll get over it eventually. He’ll talk to you again.”

 

Jensen shrugs. “I just wanted to bring some life back into him or something.”

 

“Jensen,” Lucy sighs. “The guy had a great loss, but he isn’t dead anymore. You’re bringing him back just by being with him.”

 

“I hope I don’t lose him over my stupidity.”

 

“He’ll see the love in what you did for him. He’ll come around.”

 

**

 

It’s been a few days and Jared hasn’t called or anything, so Jensen makes the first move and leaves another message.

 

“Hey, Jared. It’s me. Look, I’m sorry about… everything. You were right and I didn’t mean to… well, you know. Anyway. I gotta go to my parents vow renewal today and just…  I’m thinking about you. And I miss you. And I—I guess I should go. Hopefully I’ll talk to you soon?”

 

Jensen changes his shirt five different times before he decides on a light blue button up and dark pants. He has no idea when he grew some ovaries but he’s so over acting like a giant girl.

 

The church is hot and stuffy and Jensen sits in the back, thinking it’s the best if he stays away from his brother and dad who are up in the front. He knows that they see him when his mom waves and he smiles back, staring straight at her. He planned for the ceremony to start right when he got there, no awkwardness about where to sit. There’re maybe fifty people in the front pews watching the altar where the priest and his parents are standing together.

 

From what he can see, his dad still looks big and strong. There’s a hearing aid connected to his ear, which Jensen’s never seen before.

 

The priest begins to recite the rituals, invoking blessing and saying prayers. Jensen tries to pay attention but his mind is on Jared.

 

**

 

After the renewal of vows is over, Jensen stands in the aisle not really knowing what to do. He fidgets nervously and nods to guests as they leave, recognizes some old faces from the neighborhood. There’s a photographer setting up who mom and dad, Josh, Rachel and Josh Jr. are all waiting on.

 

“We ready for the family shot?” The guy with the camera says.

 

Jensen takes a deep breath, braves it and asks, “Where do you want me?”

 

The photographer doesn’t say anything, just tilts his head.

 

“I’m their son. Other son.”

 

“Oh! Oh, well, how about right over there by your dad.”

 

The family shifts to make room for him and Jensen stands at the other side of his father, who hasn’t looked at him yet. The flash goes off and Jensen clears his throat. “You both look great.”

 

His mom smiles, nervous and says, “You too, honey.”

 

“I um…”

 

His dad cuts him off, voice not hard but flat. He doesn’t smile. “You coming to the party?”

 

“Sure.”

 

He nods and turns, talking to well-wishers who look so happy for him. Jensen is left standing alone, glances to Rachel who gives him a warm grin and that makes Jensen feel better. They haven’t talked since that day he hit Josh. Jensen gives Josh Jr. a wink and he shyly grins too, the bottom two teeth missing from his smile.

 

The house is just down the street from the church and Jensen parks his jeep on the curb. There’s people carrying in big platters of food, all home cooked and kids are playing in the front yard. He feels out of place here, but still tries to tell people hello, even if his greeting is strained.

 

Mrs. Sanchez corners him at the window and starts talking about her new blue dress when Jensen gets a text. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and tries to be sneaky about it, still nodding along at whatever Mrs. Sanchez is saying.

 

 _I miss you too. I hope it goes well today._ __

A flood of relief makes Jensen light up. He gets giddy with happiness, and a terrible pain that’s been hard as a rock in his gut finally begins to disappear.

 

“Jensen, I think you might have to arrest someone.”

 

“What?” And now he’s trying to pay attention to the little old lady, hoping that he really won’t have to pull out his handcuffs.

 

She holds back the curtain from the window and is pointing across the front yard. Jared is there, leaning on Jensen’s jeep. Jensen wants to laugh, he’s so happy to see him, can’t believe that Jared would find his way to the house.

 

“See that young man? He’s trouble.”

 

Jensen can’t take his eyes off of him and Jared sees him too, a smile blooming bright on his own face. “Yes. He seems nice enough though.”

 

“He walks around the city, did you know that? I’ve seen him put quarters in people’s car meters and help a little girl get her cat down from a tree.”

 

“Really?” Jensen is very interested now, loving to hear more about what Jared does all day. “What else?”

 

“Well Marge said that once she saw him give a homeless guy some food down by the river, and Ruth said she saw him picking up litter by the school. He walks around the city like he’s some sort of…”

 

“Angel?” Jensen guesses.

 

“Exactly.” Mrs. Sanchez agrees and lets the curtain down.

 

“I still don’t know why I should arrest him.”

 

“Well it should be against the law to walk around looking that handsome.” She winks and Jensen cracks up. He sends a text that he’ll be right out and Jared messages him back to take his time.

 

Jensen wants to find his mom and tell her good bye. There’s a video crew moving towards the guests to say their warm wishes to his parents and Jensen avoids it. He sees his father, alone at the end of the long hallway and thinks maybe he’ll get the hard part out of the way first.

 

As soon as his dad sees him though, he makes his way to the backyard, surrounds himself with friends and they start to laugh at whatever it is he says to them. That hurts Jensen a little, humiliates him more than anything and that’s when his mom finds him, gently putting her hand on his shoulder.

 

“Today is not the day for this. Don’t make him talk.”

 

“Don’t worry, ma. I’m done pushing people for awhile.” Jensen says and changes the subject when she gives him a questioning look. “It was a nice ceremony.”

 

“It was, yes. We’re running out of chicken, though. No one is eating the ham.” She says, worried.

 

Jensen chuckles. “It’s a great party. You look happy.” Her face fills with joy. “Thirty years and still in love, huh?”

 

“You think that’s wrong, don’t you?” Her eyes cloud a little and Jensen shakes his head.

 

“Of course I don’t.”

 

“I feel like I should apologize to you. All the time. But I love him. And then I feel like I should apologize to your father for loving you.” She sighs, sadly.  “Always in the middle. Always forgiving everybody. I’m the only one who knows how to in this family.”

 

Jensen doesn’t know why he’s surprised that his mom is always so thoughtful, but she walks away before he can tell her that he’s leaving. He figures if it’s one less person to eat the chicken, she’ll be okay with it. He still wants to give her a hug goodbye and when he walks into the kitchen to find her, Rachel is there leaning on the counter.

 

“Hey, Jensen. Nice tie,” She says warmly, not a hint of apprehension which Jensen appreciates.

 

Jensen tells her thanks and comments on her dress. The bruises have faded around her face and Jensen tries not to make it obvious that he’s looking for fresh ones.

 

“Don’t worry.” Rachel puts her water glass down. “He knows I’m serious this time. I’ll call you if he tries anything again.”

 

“You promise?”

 

Rachel nods and then whispers, “I think he’s a little afraid of you. But yes, I do promise. I told him that I’ll take Josh Jr. and leave.”

 

“You still know where I live? And I can be at your place in five minutes.”

 

Rachel smiles. “Yes. And it’s been okay. I saw some booklets about getting help on his desk the other day.”

 

“That’s great, Rach,” Jensen says, relieved. “Really good news.”

 

Jensen sees his father again and excuses himself, goes down the hallway towards their bedroom. His mom gets there before he has a chance to talk to him and now Jensen is frustrated.

 

“You said that you wouldn’t push him anymore.”

 

“I just need to talk to him for one second.”

 

“Jensen, please.”

 

“Please, what, ma? Don’t bother my own father? That’s all I heard when I was a kid. Don’t talk to your father, don’t bother him.” He pushes his way inside the small room and starts speaking loudly. “Well guess what, I’m going to bother him for one minute. Is that okay with you, dad? Can you handle me for one second?”

 

“Jensen, this isn’t the right time.”

 

“It’s never the right time, ma. This has nothing to do with you. This is between me and dad so please, just leave us be for one damn minute.” Jensen’s tone is hushed now and then he turns to his father. “What about you, Dad. Do you want me to leave?”

 

He shrugs, uncaring. “Up to you.”

 

“Dad, I need to know. Am I welcome here?”

 

Finally some emotion crosses his father’s face. “Jesus. You’re here, aren’t you? What more do you want?”

 

“I just want to know… do you want me here?” And Jensen knows the real question he’s asking doesn’t have anything to do with him being welcome in their home. The real question is does his father still love him, give a damn about him at all. Because Jensen wants to move on too, wants to live his life without having to look back at regrets every fucking day. The question is out now, exposed and open, and the silence that follows breaks Jensen’s chest in two.

 

“Do you need…. Maybe.” He gestures to the hearing aid. “Is it on?”

 

His dad nods and absently touches his ear. “I feel…” He begins, sad now.

 

“What, dad. Just tell me.”

 

“I feel like I lost my son.”

 

There’s the truth, hard and unforgiving. Jensen takes it like a shot to the heart; except he doesn’t have his bullet proof vest on this time. He doesn’t let it show though, but feels like the pain in his eyes gives him away. “Well you haven’t lost me, dad. It’s a shame that you feel that way. That you’ll miss out on knowing me.” He rushes to leave the room, brushes past his mom and Josh who had been standing in the hallway the whole time.

 

He goes to the closet to get his coat and watches the video crew tape the party that’s still happening in the living room, unaware of all the drama that just went on. He makes a decision and steps into the light, faces the camera.

 

“I’m next.”

 

They roll the tape and everyone turns to gather and watch him. He swallows the emotions down and puts on a fearless, trembling smile. “Hey, congratulations mom and dad...” Now that he’s started, he doesn’t know where he’ll go from here. “You know… being back in this house reminds me when I was little... I think we were about ten and me and Josh would play alien invasion.” Jensen looks to the kitchen and see his parents there now, and Josh.

 

“Remember that, Josh? Anyway, we were making a lot of noise and Dad came home from work, tired and pissed off and Josh made these stupid hats out of tin foil to keep the aliens from sucking our brains and dad yells at us, what the hell were we doing and damn, I was scared of pop back then.” Jensen doesn’t say he’s still scared of him, even now, and maybe not physically but because of the missing connection they still don’t have that hurts him.

 

“I tell him that we’re playing alien invasion, dad, and he says, oh yeah, I’ll show you a damn invasion. And then he picks me up and throws me on the couch, then he throws Josh on the couch and he starts making these monster noises and says, we came to earth to kick some ass!” Jensen smiles at the memory, swallows back the sob wanting to escape.  “I laughed so hard I thought I was gonna pee my pants. I think Josh actually did.” The group laughs and Jensen trails off. “I’ll never forget that. It was great. So, thanks for that, Dad. I miss that.”

 

He steps back and watches the pleased look on his mom’s face, the quiet sad expression Josh has, and his dad has a single tear track down his cheek before he hastily brushes it away. Jensen turns to leave before they can see him rub at his eyes too.

 

**

 

He practically runs to his jeep, so glad that Jared is still there. He’s never needed him more than this moment.  Jared opens his arms and Jensen steps on his tip toes to fall into the embrace, exhaling the breath he’d been holding and presses Jared tightly against him.

 

“What’re you doing here?” He mumbles into the side of Jared’s neck.  “How did you find my parents house?”

 

Jared’s grip is incredibly firm around Jensen’s waist. “I might’ve stopped at the station and had a conversation with your partner. She told me the address.  Jen, I’m sorry that I wasn’t ready. You were right. I went to the cemetery. I said my goodbyes.”

 

Jensen shakes his head, wants to get his apology out too. “I didn’t mean to push.”

 

Jared puts his hands around Jensen’s hips and pulls him closer. “I needed a push in the right direction. I just didn’t want to admit it and it was hard, I’m not gonna lie and I needed some time. But I do want to be with you, more than anything.” He kisses Jensen again and looks at the family house. He asks, “So was it really bad?”

 

“They don’t like me too much in there.”

 

“They don’t deserve you.”

 

They stare at each other and Jensen loves having Jared’s eyes on him. He feels safe. “That’s a nice thing to say.”

 

“It’s not a thing to say. It’s the truth.” Jared corrects.

 

Jensen looks away, afraid he’ll breakdown if Jared keeps looking at him like that.

 

“Why do you try so hard, huh? Not to let it out.” Jared’s hand is on his back now, soothing circles up and down.

 

Shaking his head, Jensen’s words are sad, still trying to stay in control. “It’s just not fair, ya know? Things got better for them because of what I did. And I still get blamed. I get shut out. It’s fucked up that I don’t have a family anymore.”

 

“You’re right, it’s not fair.” Jared says softly. His hand moves to trace along Jensen’s chin, his palm huge and warm down Jensen’s cheek. He moves to kiss Jensen’s forehead. “But we’re family now, Ackles. And I love you so much.”

 

It makes Jensen sob and laugh at the same time. He nods and Jared puts an arm around him, holding him tight as they walk around the jeep. Jensen gets behind the wheel and sits there for a moment, trying to get his shit together and stop shaking. He's just putting the key in the ignition when Jared gets out from the passenger seat and comes to Jensen’s window. He reaches for the door and opens it.

 

“Hey…” Jared says it so normally, that it takes a minute for it to register. “I’ll drive.”

 

Jensen feels his heart grow at that, amazed that Jared’s taking another leap of faith for him and moves over on the seat. “Let’s go home.”

 

-END-

 

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: First and foremost, tinkabell007 - I don't even know where to start. You are amazing. The art (holy crap, you have so much talent, I don't know how you do it), the cheer leading, the constant support. I can't thank you enough. You are a total dream and I love you so much! And thank you to my wonderful beta, Cynthia, for fitting me in!


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